Quotes by Comedians - Page 45

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.
Steve Martin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
Sheng Wang
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
Chris Rock
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
George Carlin
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
W.C.Fields
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C.Fields
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
Above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside - to have a big hear and an open mind and a spectacular spleen.
Ellen DeGeneres
Look in the mirror and say, 'There is none other like you and for that reason alone you are beautiful.
Miranda Hart
As I go clowning my sentimental way into eternity, wrestling with all my problems of estrangement and communion, sincerity and simulation, ambition and acquiescence, I shuttle between worrying whether I matter at all and whether anything else matters but me.
Stephen Fry
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
Ellen DeGeneres
A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.
Bill Cosby
If you are her man, she will talk to you until there justaren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’reat rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold youin her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’reup. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I meanreally loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty,encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’snot so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, evenwhen you’re not saying anything worth listening to.
Steve Harvey
It is the useless things that make life worth living and that make life dangerous too: wine, love, art, beauty. Without them life is safe, but not worth bothering with.
Stephen Fry
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
Lewis Black
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
Lucille Ball
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
Ellen DeGeneres
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
Ellen DeGeneres
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.
Ellen DeGeneres
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and you will be happy.
Stephen Fry
Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.
Ellen DeGeneres
All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
Conan O'Brien
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.
George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
Bette Midler
Applaud my idiocy.
Conan O'Brien
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns
My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.
Amy Sedaris
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
George Carlin
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
Stephen Colbert
I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done in life, any choice that I’ve made. But I’m consumed with regret for the things I didn’t do, the choices I didn’t make, the things I didn’t say. We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. But regret is the thing we should fear most. Failure is an answer. Rejection is an answer. Regret is an eternal question you will never have the answer to. “What if…” “If only…” “I wonder what would have…” You will never, never know, and it will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Trevor Noah
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.
Ellen DeGeneres
It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.
Amy Poehler
It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.
Conan O'Brien
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy
People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realistic!'" (2009)]
Dylan Moran
Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.
Bill Hicks
Art and life are subjective. Not everybody's gonna dig what I dig, but I reserve the right to dig it.
Whoopi Goldberg
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
Stephen Colbert
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Craig Ferguson