Quotes by Comedians - Page 44

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
George Carlin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
Ben Elton
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
George Carlin
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.
Bill Hicks
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
Bill Hicks
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Steve Martin
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Groucho Marx
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
George Carlin
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
George Carlin
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
George Carlin
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Steve Martin
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Steve Martin
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
George Carlin
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
George Carlin
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
George Carlin
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Jerry Lewis
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart
Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
Greg Behrendt
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
George Carlin
There are never enough 'I love you's.
Lenny Bruce
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.", The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Stephen Fry
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
Rita Rudner
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
Jon Stewart
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Robin McLaurin Williams
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
Bill Hicks
I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
Bill Hicks
How is it possible to have a civil war?
George Carlin
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Jerry Seinfeld
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Steven Wright
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
George Carlin
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve Martin
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler
A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.
Conan O'Brien
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
George Carlin
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C.Fields
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Groucho Marx
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Jerry Seinfeld
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
George Carlin
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Groucho Marx
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.
George Carlin