Quotes by Comedians - Page 42

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin
Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.
Louise Rennison
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
George Carlin
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Chelsea Handler
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
Phyllis Diller
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
George Carlin
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
George Carlin
Well, man, you know what they say."No, I don't. I don't know what they say. I don't even know who they are. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug. They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them.
Bo Burnham
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
Stephen Colbert
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
George Carlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Jerry Seinfeld
TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!
Ramon Bautista
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
Steven Wright
Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)
Greg Behrendt
Electricity is really just organized lightning
George Carlin
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
George Carlin
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
Stephen Colbert
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Steven Wright
The shortest distance between two people is a smile.
Victor Borge
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
Ellen DeGeneres
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Bill Cosby
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W.C.Fields
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
Steve Martin
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.
Kathy Griffin
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Jerry Seinfeld
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
Noel Fielding
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
Steve Martin
And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
Bill Cosby
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Ellen DeGeneres
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Steve Martin
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Chelsea Handler
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Steve Martin
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Steven Wright
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
Amy Sedaris
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Steve Martin
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
Ellen DeGeneres
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
George Carlin
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Graham Chapman
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
George Carlin
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
Steven Wright
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
George Carlin
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!""Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.
Eddie Izzard
Ask any guy if sex is important in a relationship and the one who says no is lying. I just haven't met that guy yet. When you meet him, let's get him in to the Smithsonian - he's that special and rare.
Steve Harvey
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.
Margaret Cho
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
George Carlin
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Ray Romano
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
Steven Wright