Quotes by Comedians - Page 4

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
Rita Rudner
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
Henny Youngman
I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.
Wendy Liebman
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?
Groucho Marx
Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Disease can be seen as a call for personal transformation through metamorphosis. It is a transition from the death of your old self into the birth of your new.
Tom O'Connor
My disease is one of the best things that has happened to me it has pulled me out of a quietly desperate life toward one full of love and hope.
Tom O'Connor
People are not going to love you unless you love them.
Pat Carroll
One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Lucille Ball
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
Bob Hope
As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.
Jay Leno
I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
Red Skelton
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.
Jay Leno
The public is very fickle as I was saying to my cabdriver Gerald Ford.
Pat McCormick
Men in high levels of government seldom surf.
Rita Rudner
Liberals think you can reform an ax murderer. They don't want to kill anything. They want to change the Listerine labels to "Rehabilitate the germs that cause bad breath."
Marc Price
Our Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.
Maury Amsterdam
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.
Mort Sahl
(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex she objects.
Les Dawson
The human race has been set up. Someone somewhere is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
Billy Connolly
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope
It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses.
Patrick Campbell
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Fred Allen
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
Roseanne Barr
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
Jackie Mason
It is not how old you are but how you are old.
Marie Dressier
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan
This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"
Tim Conway
I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
Milton Berle
Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium don't you? It is derived from two Latin words audio "to hear " and taurus "the bull."
Larry Wilde
A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them.
George Jessel
On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then when you've lost all your marbles you're a public speaker.
George Jessel
The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.
Roseanne Barr
Keep breathing.
Sophie Tucker
Spring is nature's way of saying "Let's party!"
Robin Williams
I wanted to say something about the universe. There's God angels plants... and horseshit.
Zero Mostel
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
Ed Gardner
Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason not that you have no reason for living.
Tom O'Connor
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?
Wendy Liebman
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
Rita Rudner
There's no such thing as a nonworking mother.
Hester Mundis
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes I'll get another lawyer."
W.C.Fields
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.
Rita Rudner
Right now I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W.C.Fields
Mommy we're not going to be poor again are we? "Not as long as you have that rare blood type."
Brett Butler
It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor as long as you've got money.
Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
Joey Adams
Money can't buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan