Quotes by Comedians - Page 38

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Rodney Dangerfield
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney Dangerfield
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
Ellen DeGeneres
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.
Bill Cosby
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
Lenny Bruce
Just 'cause there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's not a fire inside.
Bonnie Hunt
The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.
Bill Cosby
Life isn't something you possess, it's something you take part in.
Louis ck
We have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upwards, O.K.?It’s a weird roller coaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy, and other times you’re barfing in your own face.
Colin Jost
There is much in this world that hurts us, but if we let pain become our master, we live our lives as slaves.
Hannah Hart
Once you've found some joy, you never want to be without it.
Alec Baldwin
there was nothing to be ashamed of in doing jobs simply to make a living, so long as those jobs fueled other creative efforts
Alec Baldwin
I don't regret anything I've ever done in life, any choice that I've made. But I'm consumed with regret for the things I didn't do, the choices I didn't make, the things I didn't say. We spend so much time being afraid of failure, afraid of rejection. But regret is the thing we should fear most. Failure is an answer. Rejection is an answer. Regret is an eternal question you will never have to answer to. "What if..." "If only...""I wonder what would have..." You will never, never know, and it will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Trevor Noah
Learn from your past and be better because of your past, but don't cry about your past. Life is full of pain. Let the pain sharpen you, but don't hold on to it. Don't be bitter.
Trevor Noah
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
Henny Youngman
I didn't know the answers, but I could feel that the things that gave life meaning came from a place within and from the nurturing of values like tolerance, charity, and community.
Dick Van Dyke
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.
Craig Ferguson
One of the hardest and truest things a grown-up learns is that sometimes it's not okay.
Christopher Buehlman
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
Mel Brooks
In today's romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call "the upgrade problem". Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade.
Aziz Ansari
The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.
Aziz Ansari
That's what I've noticed about being 32: it is a lot of women and a lot of boys our age.
Mindy Kaling
Relationships are built in the silences.
Trevor Noah
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
Paul Reiser
Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.
Sacha Baron Cohen
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands
Dudley Moore
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene Mirman
First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend
Greg Behrendt
Young love is so ridiculous, as is middle-aged and old love. And it’s also hilarious. When have you ever felt so vulnerable and wonderful and terrible at the same time?
Grace Helbig
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Rita Rudner
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.
Greg Behrendt
..I find it incredible impossible not to cry when I hear Stevie Nicks's "Landslide," especially the lyric: "I've been afraid of changing, because I've built my life around you." I think a good test to see if a human is actually a robot/android/cylon is to have them listen to this song lyric and study their reaction. If they don't cry, you should stab them through the heart. You will find a fusebox.
Mindy Kaling
I think when men hear that women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that's not it. It's a commitment to not floating around anywhere. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life.
Mindy Kaling
To us, your power comes from one simple thing: you’re a woman, and we men will doanything humanly possible to impress you so that, ultimately, we can be with you. You’re the driving force behind why we wake up every day. Men go out and get jobs and hustle to makemoney because of women. We drive fancy cars because of women. We dress nice, put on cologne, get haircuts and try to look all shiny and new for you. We do all of this because the more our game is stepped up, the more of you we get. You’re the ultimate prize to us.
Steve Harvey
He doesn't need to be reminded you're great.
Greg Behrendt
The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.
Greg Behrendt
..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.
Greg Behrendt
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman
I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things.
Amy Poehler
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
All I'm telling you to do is to be smart about it. Know that if this man isn't looking for a serious relationship, you're not going to change his mind just because you two are going on dates and being intimate. You could be the most perfect woman on the Lord's green earth-you're capable of interesting conversation, you cook a mean breakfast, you hand out backrubs like sandwiches, you're independent (which means, to him, that you're not going to be in his pockets)-but if he's not ready for a serious relationship, he going to treat you like sports fish.
Steve Harvey
inplanttraininginchennai.netOneYes Technologies offers Best InPlant Training in Chennai for BSC / BE / BCA / MCA / B-Tech / MBA and Diploma Students with complete practical session. We conduct InPlant Training(IPT) with real time experience.
Vadivelu
Wine can be a better teacher than ink, and banter is often better than books
Stephen Fry
Entirely in accordance with what education is supposed to be. Education is the sum of what students teach each other in between lectures and seminars. You sit in each other's rooms and drink coffee - I suppose it would be vodka and Red Bull now - you share enthusiasms, you talk a lot of wank about politics, religion, art and the cosmos and then you go to bed, alone or together according to taste. I mean, how else do you learn anything, how else do you take your mind for a walk?
Stephen Fry
Mistakes are a part of being human. Precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
Al Franken
You will never climb Career Mountain and get to the top and shout, ‘I made it!’ You will rarely feel done or complete or even successful. Most people I know struggle with that complicated soup of feeling slighted on one hand and like a total fraud on the other. Our ego is a monster that loves to sit at the head of the table, and I have learned that my ego is just as rude and loud and hungry as everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter how much you get; you are left wanting more. Success is filled with MSG.
Amy Poehler
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
George Burns
Some of you may be perfectly happy with mediocrity. Some of you will get nothing but heartbreak. Some of you will be heralded as geniuses and become huge. Of course, all of you think that one describes you...hence the delusion necessary to push on.
Marc Maron
Have more humility. Remember you don't know the limits of your own abilities. Successful or not, if you keep pushing beyond yourself, you will enrich your own life – and maybe even please a few strangers.
A.L. Kennedy
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s ALWAYS had EVERYTHING work out for them with ZERO struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
Chris Hardwick
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
Craig Ferguson
It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.
Ellen DeGeneres
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
Bill Cosby
You do realize as you grow older that almost nobody knows what they are talking about.
John Cleese
Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.
Stephen Colbert