Quotes by Comedians - Page 37

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
Chelsea Handler
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Victor Borge
(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?
Victor Borge
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
Rodney Dangerfield
California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
Victor Borge
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
George Carlin
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.
Ellen DeGeneres
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.
Jim Gaffigan
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
Chelsea Handler
Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?
George Carlin
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
Chelsea Handler
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
Chelsea Handler
I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
Victor Borge
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
Russell Brand
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!
PewDiePie
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.
Brian Regan
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
George Carlin
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
Steven Wright
Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse.
Charlie Higson
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Johnny Carson
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!
Ron White
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.
Tommy Cooper
I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.
Wallace Wang
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
Jeff Foxworthy
Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
Rita Rudner
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.
Russell Brand
The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!" Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, "Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!" "Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.
Dave Chappelle
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.
Bill Maher
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!
Demetri Martin
Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
Leslie Nielsen
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Bill Maher
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain
Jon Stewart
My imagination is something of a badass.
D.C. Pierson
One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
Victor Borge
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Stephen Colbert
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
Stephen Colbert
WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!
Al Franken
Just relax and breathe through your ass.
Lewis Black
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
George Carlin
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
Ellen DeGeneres
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Jon Stewart
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Jon Stewart
However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.
Amy Poehler
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
Ellen DeGeneres
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Jon Stewart
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx