Quotes by Comedians - Page 32

Busty’ Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.
Spike Milligan
Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, “Does anybody know a good tailor?”, or “Gentlemen – I think there’s a thief in the battery.” He was the bane of the Regiment.
Spike Milligan
...Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.
Spike Milligan
Our family car was the antithesis of designs and desirability. It was like driving Hitler's moustache.
Samantha Bee
…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.
Joan Rivers
People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.
Joan Rivers
It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.
Joan Rivers
Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.
Joan Rivers
When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.
Joan Rivers
I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.
Joan Rivers
The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…
Joan Rivers
The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.
Joan Rivers
Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…
Joan Rivers
Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.
Joan Rivers
Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.
Joan Rivers
…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.
Joan Rivers
I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.
Joan Rivers
[On setting all clocks at varying times in advance...]A selfless gesture on my part which ensures I am never late, but really only means that I spend time waiting not only for people who are late but also for people who are on time.
Jon Richardson
50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up
Johnny Corn
Frightfully pale and perpetually odd
Sue Perkins
The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.
Bill Hicks
All hail, Queen Shit-of-Liesville!
Gareth Reynolds
Why were kings cross? Maybe their trains were late! Some say warrior Queen Boudica was buried under platform 8.
Terry Deary
People often say to me: Oy! Get out of my garden.
Michael Redmond
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,' said Maxie.'I know how that feels,' said Blue.'I think some Pharaoh had that carved on his tomb,' Maxie added.'Yeah? Times don't change much, do they?
Charlie Higson
Stone me, what a life!
Tony Hancock
With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.
Spike Milligan
Anyway, my writer gang: they kind of did their comedy apprenticeship with me and, during that period, when they were young and impressionable, I think I infected them with my pun virus. They grew to enjoy puns, think puns, just as much as me. The problem is people don't really like puns any more, so I worry I've rendered the poor fuckers virtually unemployable.
Frank Skinner
Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.
Bob Hope
Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.
Frankie Boyle
If you really want space on public transport you should carry some pornography from the 1970s and a pair of children's safety scissors, then delicately cut out all the eyes of the glamour models whilst whistling. Every now and again mutter, 'Why are women more beautiful when they are eyeless?' You will be able to stretch out, though this can have ramifications such as ending up on a police list or being run out of town.
Robin Ince
I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
Bill Hicks
Ah! The English language was a wonderful thing! You could always find the right word. He only wished he could speak the language.
Terry Jones
The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.
Spike Milligan
R.I.P.Tom Conlon O'Rourke.Not Dead, just Sleeping.
Spike Milligan
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Rodney Dangerfield
When you're conscious of what you're permitting to germinate inside you, the weeds in your life will wither away of their own accord.
Lawrence Shorter
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
Bob Hope
Pete couldn't believe how sanctimonious somebody could be just because they'd once had a soldering iron stuck up their arse.
Alexei Sayle
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
Demetri Martin
The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.
Jo Brand
All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen
Naboo: "You've read all the books, but when it comes to the crunch, where are you?"Saboo: "The crunch! How dare you speak to me of the crunch? You know nothing of the crunch. You've never even been to the crunch!"Naboo: "Been there once."Saboo: "Oh, a little day trip 'round the crunch, we can all go there as tourists. 'Ooh, that's a bit of crunch-'"Naboo: "Shut it!
Julian Barratt
Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse
Alan Carr
After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it
Spike Milligan
On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere the trees go Ping!And the tea pots Jibber Jabber JooOn the Nong Ning NangAll the Mice go Clang!And you just cant catch em when they do!So its Ning Nang Nong!Cows go Bong!Nong Nang Ning!Trees go Ping!Nong Ning Nang!The mice go Clang!What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!
Spike Milligan
Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.
Harland Williams
My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder
What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man.The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...
Stewart Lee
Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.
Margaret Cho
Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.
Frank Skinner
In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
George Carlin
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
Demetri Martin
As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.
Brendan Jack
Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Stephen K. Amos
I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said "I'll just print another ten.
Eric Sykes
lectures broke into one's day and were clearly a terrible waste of time, necessary no doubt if you were reading law or medicine or some other vocational subject, but in the case of English, the natural thing to do was talk a lot, listen to music, drink coffee and wine, read books, and go to plays, perhaps be in plays…
Stephen Fry