Quotes by Comedians - Page 30

I really don't like art with a message, unless the message is crystal clear.If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fuckin' say it! Don't hide it in indecipherable lyrics... a sculpture, it's a play, the subtext... just fuckin' say it, 'cause the people who need to hear messages are dumb as shit--the masses of humanity are dumb as shit, and you're really just pandering to your friends. Say what the fuck you mean, just say it! Title the song 'eat more leafy greens'. 'Give a hoot, don't pollute' is as much message and art combined, 'cause I get that, it's a poem but I'm pretty sure you're saying 'don't pollute'. But if you have something... 'ooh, I have the cure for cancer...and I've hidden it in this Rubix cube!!' -- just fuckin' say it! - Before Turning the Gun on Himself [2012]
Doug Stanhope
From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrails
Steve Aylett
Art is long, life is short. Unless your funding is f%$ked, in which case all our days are numbered.
Whoopi Goldberg
Art is long, life is short.
Whoopi Goldberg
I'm tired of 'pretentious' just being used as an excuse to dismiss anything that fucking expects you to have a brain.
T.J. Kirk
Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.
Eugene Mirman
People in coats and ties were milling around the Talley gallery, and on the wall were the minimally rendered still lifes by Giorgio Morandi, most of them no bigger than a tea tray. Their thin browns, ashy grays, and muted blues made people speak softly to one another, as if a shouted word might curdle one of the paintings and ruin it. Bottles, carafes, and ceramic whatnots sat in his paintings like small animals huddling for warmth, and these shy pictures could easily hang next to a Picasso or Matisse without feeling inferior.
Steve Martin
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Craig Ferguson
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.
Lenny Bruce
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, 'This is art, and you can't do it.
Steve Martin
The show became its own little world, with its own internal rhythm and high standards.
Dick Van Dyke
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx
There is more that unites us than divides us. So make it a point to talk with someone who is different from you. You may find that you have more in common than you think
Johnny Corn
Muslim store clerks should sell alcohol and pork. Christian bakers should bake gay wedding cakes. Everyone should do their fucking job.
T.J. Kirk
And how can evil be the mere absence of good? Is genocide the absence of something, of what? Of kindness? Were there no kind Nazis? Of love? Were there no Maoist revolutionaries who loved their families? Evil is an act, we commit evil proactively, it doesn't simply emerge in the absence of good. When you don't put a dollar in the donation tin in the front of the convenience store it doesn't mean that an ax murderer was created. We human beings have one set of actions described as "good" and another set described as "evil.
T.J. Kirk
I've heard of such a legend!' I gasped. 'A child descended from a union between Christ and Mary Magda
Mark Gatiss
We have our own language. Christianese... We don't say 'He's out of his mind,' no, we say 'That's our youth pastor.
Tim Hawkins
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce
I always gravitate towards things that are not beautiful, but broken and weird and fascinating
Kate McKinnon
What is beautiful is goodand who is good will soon be beautiful.
Cathryn Michon
A personality for the incredibly beautiful can be a pointless cargo...
Russell Brand
both you and paintings are layered… first, ephemera and notations on the back of the canvas. Labels indicate gallery shows, museum shows, footprints in the snow, so to speak. Then pencil scribbles on the stretcher, usually by the artist, usually a title or date. Next the stretcher itself. Pine or something. Wooden triangles in the corners so the picture can be tapped tighter when the canvas becomes loose. Nails in the wood securing the picture to the stretcher. Next, a canvas: linen, muslin, sometimes a panel; then the gesso - a primary coat, always white. A layer of underpaint, usually a pastel color, then, the miracle, where the secrets are: the paint itself, swished around, roughly, gently, layer on layer, thick or thin, not more than a quarter of an inch ever -- God can happen in that quarter of an inch -- the occasional brush hair left embedded, colors mixed over each other, tones showing through, sometimes the weave of the linen revealing itself. The signature on top of the entire goulash. Then varnish is swabbed over the whole. Finally, the frame, translucent gilt or carved wood. The whole thing is done.
Steve Martin
I want to change the world, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before I'm dead, and then more afterwards.
Russell Brand
It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Jon Stewart
I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose.
Margaret Cho
Just because you are blind, and unable to see my beauty doesn't mean it does not exist.
Margaret Cho
If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going.
Irwin Corey
I'm always amazed at the human capacity to not make fundamental changes, but instead merely adapt. I see these pictures of people in Beijing and New Delhi, walking around with masks on, because you can't walk outside your house and breathe? If you can't breathe?…If that's not the cue to make a fundamental change, I don't know what is!
Bill Maher
The only permanent thing in this world is change.
Totò
I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second.
Craig Ferguson
I especially like eavesdropping on women my age. Besides being titillating, it also helps me gauge where I'm at in comparison.
Mindy Kaling
Mother Teresa didn't walk around complaining about her thighs -- she had shit to do.
Sarah Silverman
I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story — I will.
Amy Schumer
At best, us ladies are just a bunch of Mirandas with a slightly better wardrobe and at worst, we're a bunch of Magdas, aka Miranda's housekeeper, which means we're a bunch of nosy bitches who rifle through people's belongings and let them know they masterbate too much.
Phoebe Robinson
...you need the tiniest bit of bravery. People get scared when you try to do something, especially when it looks like you're succeeding. People do not get scared when you are failing. It calms them. That's why the show Intervention is a hit and everyone loves "worrying about" Amanda Bynes.
Mindy Kaling
Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt".
Amy Schumer
It didn't matter that there was a war on our doorstep. She had things to do, places to be.
Trevor Noah
I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.
Jerry Seinfeld
There is a latent fairy in all women, but look how carefully we have to secrete her in order to be taken seriously. And fairies come in all shapes, colours, sizes and types, they don't have to be fluffy. They can be demanding and furious if hey like. They do, however, have to wear a tiara. That much is compulsory.
Dawn French
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Chris Rock
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Groucho Marx
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
Steven Wright
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense
Chris Rock
Funny how women are ashamed of their inner fairy whereas men are forever proudly displaying their inner cowboy or fireman
Dawn French
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show.
Fanny Brice
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr
I’ve said over and over again jokingly that the only way a woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men—an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gayguy. Now the four of them combined? They got you covered.
Steve Harvey
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
Groucho Marx
I know that you and your girls have been told for years on end that you just don’t pass up any opportunities when a man walks your way—he could be The One. But I’m here to tell you that this philosophy is just plain dumb. Women are smart—you all can tell when your friends are lying, you know when your kids are up to no good, co-workers can’t get anything past you atthe job. You’re quick to let each one of them know that you’re not stupid, that you see them coming a mile away, and you’re not going to let them play that game with you. But when it comes to your relationships with the opposite sex, all of that goes out the window; you relinquish your power and lose all control over the situation—cede it to any old man who looks at you twice. Just because he happened to look at you twice.
Steve Harvey
Women need food, water, and complimentsThat's right.And an occasional pair of shoes.
Chris Rock
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
Roseanne Barr
We men are very simple people: if we like what we see, we’re coming over there. If we don’t want anything from you, we’re not coming over there. Period. Please highlight this part right here so you can always remind yourself the next time a man steps to you: a man always wants something. Always. And when it comes to women, that plan is always to find out two things: (1) if you’re willing to sleep with him, and (2) if you are, how much it will cost to get you to sleep with him.
Steve Harvey
A man fishes for two reasons: he’s either sport fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admire it with his buddies and toss it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I think, is a great analogy for how men seek out women.
Steve Harvey
We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not theone.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.
Greg Behrendt
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
Gilda Radner
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Roseanne Barr
I'm proud to be a work in progress.
Hannah Hart