Quotes by Comedians - Page 3

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?
Groucho Marx
Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Disease can be seen as a call for personal transformation through metamorphosis. It is a transition from the death of your old self into the birth of your new.
Tom O'Connor
My disease is one of the best things that has happened to me it has pulled me out of a quietly desperate life toward one full of love and hope.
Tom O'Connor
People are not going to love you unless you love them.
Pat Carroll
One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Lucille Ball
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
Bob Hope
As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.
Jay Leno
I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
Red Skelton
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.
Jay Leno
The public is very fickle as I was saying to my cabdriver Gerald Ford.
Pat McCormick
Men in high levels of government seldom surf.
Rita Rudner
Liberals think you can reform an ax murderer. They don't want to kill anything. They want to change the Listerine labels to "Rehabilitate the germs that cause bad breath."
Marc Price
Our Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.
Maury Amsterdam
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.
Mort Sahl
(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex she objects.
Les Dawson
The human race has been set up. Someone somewhere is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
Billy Connolly
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope
It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses.
Patrick Campbell
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Fred Allen
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
Roseanne Barr
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
Jackie Mason
It is not how old you are but how you are old.
Marie Dressier
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare but then I thought Why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan
This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"
Tim Conway
I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.
Milton Berle
Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium don't you? It is derived from two Latin words audio "to hear " and taurus "the bull."
Larry Wilde
A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them.
George Jessel
On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then when you've lost all your marbles you're a public speaker.
George Jessel
The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.
Jerry Seinfeld
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.
Roseanne Barr
Spring is nature's way of saying "Let's party!"
Robin Williams
I wanted to say something about the universe. There's God angels plants... and horseshit.
Zero Mostel
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
Ed Gardner
Let the world know you as you are not as you think you should be because sooner or later if you are posing you will forget the pose and then where are you?
Fanny Brice
The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
Henny Youngman
I have a hard time believing that billions of years ago two protozoa bumped into each other under a volcanic cesspool and evolved into Cindy Crawford.
Robert G. Lee
I do benefits for all religions. ... I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.
Elayne Boosler
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope
Thin people are beautiful but fat people are adorable.
Jackie Gleason
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
Groucho Marx
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
Victor Borge
I don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx
The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your own body and get interested in someone else's.
Goodman Ace
She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.
Fred Allen
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
Carrie Snow
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.
Fred Allen