Quotes by Comedians - Page 2

You know you're getting old when you start watching golf on TV and enjoying it.
Larry Miller
I play in the low eighties. If it's any hotter than that I won't play.
Joe E. Lewis
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
If you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.
Bob Hope
It you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.
Bob Hope
Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying and when God talks to us we're said to be schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
Keep breathing.
Sophie Tucker
I am always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
Dudley Moore
For birth control I rely on my personality.
Milt Abel
I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips
I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.
Chico Marx
I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls would never dream of doing - like showering.
Yakov Smirnoff
All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.
Rita Rudner
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
Girls are much more psychic than guys. They're the first to know if you're going to get laid.
Paul Rodriguez
Sex at eighty-four is terrific especially the one in the winter.
Milton Berle
In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.
Pat Paulsen
There will be sex after death we just won't be able to feel it.
Lily Tomlin
We're all in this together ... alone.
Lily Tomlin
The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Roseanne Barr
Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason not that you have no reason for living.
Tom O'Connor
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
Elayne Boosler
I see myself as Rhoda not Mary Tyler Moore.
Rosie O'Donnell
For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
Lily Tomlin
A little of what you fancy does you good.
Marie Lloyd
I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
Joan Rivers
We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door I'll go through another door-or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Rivers
I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can.
Lucille Ball
Cherish forever what makes you unique 'cuz you're really a yawn if it goes!
Bette Midler
I didn't belong as a kid and that always bothered me. If only I'd known that one day my differentness would be an asset then my early life would have been much easier.
Bette Midler
I've learned to take time for myself and to treat myself with a great deal of love and respect 'cause I like me.... I think I'm kind of cool.
Whoopi Goldberg
It's just like magic. When you live by yourself all your annoying habits are gone!
Merrill Markoe
In order to find the edge you must risk going over the edge.
Dennis Dugan
I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.
George Burns
Me I'm just a hack. I'm just a schlep-per. I just do what I can do.
Bette Midler
Let the world know you as you are not as you think you should be because sooner or later if you are posing you will forget the pose and then where are you?
Fanny Brice
The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
Henny Youngman
I have a hard time believing that billions of years ago two protozoa bumped into each other under a volcanic cesspool and evolved into Cindy Crawford.
Robert G. Lee
I do benefits for all religions. ... I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.
Elayne Boosler
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Henny Youngman
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope
Thin people are beautiful but fat people are adorable.
Jackie Gleason
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
Groucho Marx
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
Victor Borge
I don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx
The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your own body and get interested in someone else's.
Goodman Ace
She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.
Fred Allen
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
Carrie Snow
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.
Fred Allen
Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.
Rita Rudner
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
Henny Youngman
I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.
Wendy Liebman
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns