Quotes by Comedians

Funny is funny is funny.
Bob Newhart
The meat market itself was probably a greater influence on Spare than his first school. It offered a spectacle of thousands of animal carcasses, which arrived under the market by a specially built railway before being displayed and disposed of at ground level.
Phil Baker
It's strange how things seem to come full circle. You know what I mean? I'm sure you do. The way your life seems to drift along with no set path, then something good happens to you and you can trace the line that brought you there back to a specific disappointment or rejection you suffered in the past. It's nice that things can level out that way.
James Corden
It doesn't help anyone to judge their happiness or career by looking at where others may or may not be. Dad said it best: 'All the time you're looking left and right at other people, you're neglecting what's in front of you.If you focus on looking straight ahead, you can take the odd glance at the future.' He's got a way of saying things sometimes that just puts everything into perspective.
James Corden
The difference between doing something and not doing something is doing something.
James Corden
Emotions are like passing storms, and you have to remind yourself that it won't rain forever.
Amy Poehler
But I was eventually okay. And you will be okay too. Here's why. I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks.
Amy Poehler
Fake boobs are weird ya'll" read by Patrick Stewart.
Amy Poehler
—a knowledgeable man is a free man, or at least a man who longs for freedom.
Trevor Noah
I’m chasing after that Holy Shit effect.If this sounds arrogant, that’s because it is. If you don’t believe in your own greatness, no one else will. You’re limited only by your doubts, your fears, and your desire to fit in rather than stand out.And there’s room in this world for all of us to stand out.
Kevin Hart
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
Craig Ferguson
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Stephen Colbert
Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
Stephen Colbert
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
Stephen Colbert
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
Stephen Colbert
They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore.
Jay Leno
In the United States I have always believed that there was a big difference between Conservative and stupid. Boy is it getting harder to prove that one by the minute.
Rick Mercer
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
As you get to thirty, the main thing is to not be sensible.
Mark Steel
We often live next to monsters unawares.
Christopher Buehlman
We just start putting our ideas out there, yet how do we actually attack contemporary problems? We do what some of the most successful American businesses do. We outsource and collaborate
Baratunde R. Thurston
It's a powerful experience, shitting. There's something magical about it, profound even. I think God made humans shit in the way we do because it brings us back down to earth and gives us humility. I don't care who you are, we all shit the same. Beyonce shits. The pope shits. The Queen of England shits. When we shit we forget our airs and our graces, we forget how famous or how rich we are. All of that goes away. You are never more yourself than when you're taking a shit. You have that moment where you realize, 'This is me. This is who I am.
Trevor Noah
Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car...
Tim Key
Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names identities personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.
Mel Brooks
Now men and women are separate and unequal. We should be hand in hand in fact we should have our arms around one another.
Cloris Leachman
If you want something done ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do the more you can do.
Lucille Ball
There's no labor a man can do that's undignified if he does it right.
Bill Cosby
Fair words butter no parsnips.
John Clarke
Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at but I wouldn't like to own one.
W.C.Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink - and you know I never even thanked her.
W.C.Fields
From birth to 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35 she needs good looks. From 35 to 55 good personality. From 55 on she needs good cash. I'm saving my money.
Sophie Tucker
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
Joe E. Lewis
I have my standards. They may be low but I have them.
Bette Midler
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said "No bablo ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
W.C.Fields
My mother said "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said "Just wait."
Judy Tenuta
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
George Carlin
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Fred Allen
Time was made for slaves.
John B. Buckstone
The future is not a gift - it is an achievement.
Harry Lauder
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
Another fine mess you've got us in Stanley.
Oliver Hardy
Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .
Jackie Mason
I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
Bob Hope
I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
I've always wanted to be somebody but I see now I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
If your ship doesn't come in swim out to it.
Jonathan Winters
If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C.Fields
As soon as you find the key to success somebody always changes the lock.
Tracey Ullman
This guy put the suck in success.
David Letterman
If I had known what it would be like to have it all I might have been willing to settle for less.
Lily Tomlin
It takes twenty years to make an overnight success.
Eddie Cantor
Success ... depends on your ability to make and keep friends.
Sophie Tucker
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
Flip Wilson
You always pass failure on the way to success.
Mickey Rooney
He spends so much time in the sand trap you'd think he was in the cast of Baywatcb.
Tim Conway
My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
Rita Rudner
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.
Rita Rudner
If you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.
Bob Hope