Quotes by Cartoonists - Page 14

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being.""It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.
Howard Tayler
Are you done briefing the company yet?""We, um... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet.""Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs.""Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago.Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.
Howard Tayler
Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.
Howard Tayler
Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.
Howard Tayler
AAAAIIIE!You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?-Sergeant Schlock
Howard Tayler
Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
So you're a fellow mercenary, then.""Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?""Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.
Howard Tayler
Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.Actually I'm finished.In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?After a fashion....I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.""Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?""No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.
Howard Tayler
Technically, you don't pay me.And technically, most of what I do is "think."I...rrr. ummm.And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.-Ennesby & Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.
Howard Tayler
How many words are you having trouble with, sir?""Just the ones that I've highlighted.""I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph.""That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.
Howard Tayler
As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.-Captain Tagon
Howard Tayler
Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
Our bellies are empty and our patience is short...submit to us and we will make of you a great quiche!''Again with the QUICHE?! What kind of self-respecting monster would eat a DAINTY PASTRY DISH?! STEW is what we will make of their bones!''Don't get greedy on me! There's three of them! I just want the little one for my quiche!''It was nothing to do with greed! It's a matter of principle! MONSTERS DO NOT EAT QUICHE!
Jeff Smith
Intellectual controversies tend to be like dog fights without the teeth, in which the barking not the biting does the damage.
Luis Fernando Verissimo
The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?""Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!""I guess that explains their rich military history, then.
Howard Tayler
Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.Munitions Commander? Why me?I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.
Howard Tayler
Hi. I'm here to enlist.You can't. You aren't human.You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."Sounds like my kind of fun.-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs
Howard Tayler
Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over.""Not guilty.""Also, it's not very nice to lie in court.""But it beats extradition.
Howard Tayler
Right now I've got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don't taunt elephants.Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock
Howard Tayler
Maxim 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload."-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.
Howard Tayler
Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.
Howard Tayler
Maxim 29: The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism!
Matt Groening
The thinner the excuse, the fatter the reason for it.
Jerry Scott
Maxim 3: An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries
Howard Tayler
I sense a learning: that much dumber people than you end up in charge.
D.B.C. Pierre
Where's your sense of adventure?It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn
Howard Tayler
Greg starts a middle school and asks: Whyis "bullies" such a big PROBLEM? And sayspeople need to shave twice a day.
Jeff Kinney
The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!
Terry Moore
I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."And I looked up and realizedThe waitress was a cow.I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak.I'll take the chicken then."I heard a cluck--'twas just my luckThe busboy was a hen.I said, "Okay no, fowl today.I'll have the seafood dish."Then I saw through the kitchen doorThe cook--he was a fish.I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' hereWho's an onion or a beet?No? Your're sure? Okay then friends,A salad's what I'll eat."They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said,"The owner is a cabbage head.
Shel Silverstein
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
James Thurber
Each time I see the Upside-Down ManStanding in the water,I look at him and start to laugh,Although I shouldn't oughtter.For maybe in another worldAnother timeAnother town,Maybe HE is right side upAnd I am upside down
Shel Silverstein
Simon: You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are you'll be under my knife again, often. So I want you to understand one thing very clearly: No matter what you do or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us, I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe... 'cause I'm your medic. And however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way. River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.
Ben Edlund
Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.
Charles M. Schulz
Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no one listens to you!— Russ Cargill
Matt Groening
Captain, I'm fairly unique among artificial intelligences. I am FREE.I work for you because I want to. I fly your ship for you because I enjoy it. I am compelled to accept orders only by my conscience.This makes me an equal with the rest of your troops. They aren't hard-wired to obey you, yet they'll follow you to the ends of the Universe.
Howard Tayler
Freedom is not an individual effort.Yours comes only when you grant others theirs
Sergio Aragonés
To find your true identity within the will of Tze Yo Tzuh...that is the highest of all freedoms.
Gene Luen Yang
Freedom is sloppy. But since tyranny's the only guaranteed byproduct of those who insist on a perfect world, freedom will have to do.
Bill Willingham
Your idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to be yours alone. The more the idea is yours alone, the more freedom you have to do something really amazing. The more amazing, the more people will click with your idea. The more people click with your idea, the more it will change the world.
Hugh MacLeod
And the turtles, of course...all the turtles are free, as turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be.
Dr. Seuss
I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.
Bill Watterson
Then he dreamed that he was in the open door of a plane several thousand feet above the earth and he had to jump holding a baby in his arms. It was his baby. He jumped, pulled the rip cord on the parachute, and it didn’t open. The emergency release didn’t work. He was falling fast. The wind tore at him fiercely. He was gripping the baby as tightly as he could but the wind pried under his arms, strained at his muscles, and suddenly the baby was loose, falling beside him, just out of reach. He flailed and groped in the air, trying to reach it. The baby was falling just a little bit faster than he was. It was below him, falling away from him as he fell after it. The earth screamed up at him. He knew that the baby was going to hit first and he would see it, would know it for a whole fraction of a second before he was smashed into a pulp himself. The terrible millisecond of that grief burst in him and he woke shrieking. He couldn’t get the dream out of his head. He prayed that he would have the dream again but that this time he would fall faster and be allowed to die first.
Katherine Dunn
Whatever happened to our dreams? The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us. And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up. This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can: FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
Randall Munroe
The best reason for having dreams is that in dreams no reasons are necessary.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The 'will to peace' is the best answer that we can imagine to the 'will to war', which unfortunately seems as strong in this century as it was in the middle of the last.
David Petersen
A soldier's life revolves around his mail. Like many others, I've been able to follow my kid's progress from the day he was born until now he is able to walk and talk a little, and although I have never seen him I know him very well.
Bill Mauldin
How come we play war and not peace?""Too few role models.
Bill Watterson
Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?
Bill Watterson
The truth is, there are not two kinds of people. There’s only one: the kind that loves to divide up into gangs who hate each other’s guts. Both conservatives and liberals agree among themselves, on their respective message boards, in uncannily identical language, that their opponents lack any self-awareness or empathy, the ability to see the other side of an argument or to laugh at themselves. Which would seem to suggest that they’re both correct.
Tim Kreider
The only people who can change the world are people who want to. And not everybody does.
Hugh MacLeod
Friends? Your friends? If you lock them together in a room with no food for a week…Then you could see what it is, friends! …
Art Spiegelman