Quotes by Actors - Page 67

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
It's never just a game when you're winning.
George Carlin
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Richard Pryor
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
George Carlin
A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.
Johnny Depp
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Eddie Izzard
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Johnny Depp
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
Chris Rock
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
George Carlin
Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.
Steve Martin
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
George Carlin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
George Carlin
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Steve Martin
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Groucho Marx
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Woody Allen
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
George Carlin
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Woody Allen
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
George Carlin
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
George Carlin
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Steve Martin
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Steve Martin
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
George Carlin
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
George Carlin
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
George Carlin
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Jerry Lewis
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
George Carlin
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what.", The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Stephen Fry
I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
Peter Ustinov
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Robin McLaurin Williams
How is it possible to have a civil war?
George Carlin
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.
John Barrowman
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Jerry Seinfeld
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Charlie Chaplin
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Steven Wright
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
George Carlin
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Woody Allen
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
Orson Welles