Quotes by Actors - Page 66

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva
Josh Groban
It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.
Molière
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Jerry Seinfeld
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
Noel Fielding
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
Steve Martin
I don't understand how people canstand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They're going crazy, screaming. They can't take it that you're there. But last year I was in the same club,walking around,lonely like a motherfucker. Couldn't get a date or a dance. I was too skinny, too something,and now, "He's just adorable. He's just, oh!
Tupac Shakur
And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
Bill Cosby
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Steve Martin
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Steve Martin
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Steven Wright
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Steve Martin
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
George Carlin
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Graham Chapman
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
George Carlin
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
Steven Wright
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
George Carlin
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!""Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.
Eddie Izzard
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
George Carlin
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Ray Romano
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
Will Rogers
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
Steven Wright
When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?
Henry Rollins
I never met a man that I didn't like.
Will Rogers
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Steven Wright
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Chris Rock
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
Demetri Martin
No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.
Stephen Fry
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
George Carlin
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Drew Carey
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven Wright
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
What grinds me the most is we're sending kids out into the world who don't know how to balance a checkbook, don't know how to apply for a loan, don't even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world`With that said, I'll admit even I can see how looking at the equation x -3 = 19 and knowing x =22 can be useful. I'll even say knowing x =7 and y= 8 in a problem like 9x - 6y= 15 can be helpful. But seriously, do we all need to know how to simplify (x-3)(x-3i)??And the joke is, no one can continue their education unless they do. A student living in California cannot get into a four-year college unless they pass Algebra 2 in high school. A future psychologist can't become a psychologist, a future lawyer can't become a lawyer, and I can't become a journalist unless each of us has a basic understanding of engineering.Of course, engineers and scientists use this shit all the time, and I applaud them! But they don't take years of theater arts appreciation courses, because a scientist or an engineer doesn't need to know that 'The Phantom of the Opoera' was the longest-running Broadway musical of all time.Get my point?
Chris Colfer
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.
Chris Rock
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx
What's another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wright
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
Woody Allen
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
Johnny Depp
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Room service? Send up a larger room."]
Groucho Marx
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
W.C.Fields
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
George Carlin
Tomorrow is promised to no one.
Clint Eastwood
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Steven Wright