Quotes by Actors - Page 58

I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn`t think. I just put my hat on Clara`s head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn`t figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby`s wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, `There`s Satan! There`s Satan out with his kid!` And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there.
Ewan McGregor
Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?
George Carlin
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.
Russell Brand
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don’t know why they’d decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture.It could rain in a room this big.
Hugh Laurie
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.
Brian Regan
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
George Carlin
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
Steven Wright
Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse.
Charlie Higson
You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.
Steven Tyler
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
Jeff Foxworthy
Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.
Benedict Cumberbatch
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri Martin
Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.
Russell Brand
The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!" Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, "Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!" "Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.
Dave Chappelle
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Will Rogers
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!
Demetri Martin
Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
Leslie Nielsen
Jake wasn't about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and tore his mouth from the kiss, staring into too dark eyes. As his hands made their way into Tor's wet jeans he said, "This doesn't mean I like you, you know.
Chris Owen
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
George Carlin
A man touched me: his hand... my thigh.I touched him too: my fist... his jaw.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock...
Johnny Depp
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.
Harry Styles
You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.
Johnny Depp
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Rodney Dangerfield
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Will Rogers
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney Dangerfield
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.
Bill Cosby
What's fame, after all? It can be what someone writes on your tombstone.
Peter Duncan
The only problem is time.
Seth MacFarlane
But life is just a party, and parties weren't meant to last.
Prince
Time wounds all heals.
Tracy Letts
...people change, even good people, if they get the wrong thing in their head. And not everything is always what it looks like and sometimes just because one person looks weak, they might be very strong, and another person might look like a spooky freak but he might be one of the kindest people you'd ever meet. And I guess I learned that time is slippery...We have to enjoy every second, love with all our hearts, all we can, while we can.
Lee Thompson
I always felt like I was meant to have been born in another era, another time.
Johnny Depp
The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.
Bill Cosby
Life isn't something you possess, it's something you take part in.
Louis ck
Everyone knows that the teenage years are a time ofprofound emotion. The moody, exuberant, passionate,lethargic teen is a figure that has a special place in the hall of fame of clichés—and for good reason. It’s all true. When we ourselves are teenagers, we are living life as it comes. There is no point in reflection. We are so inexperienced, there is very little to reflect on. If we fail a big test, we just move on. We win an award and we smile and say thank you. We fall in love and it’s a thrill. We get our hearts broken and we suffer.And we feel all of these highs and lows in our absolute core; it feels as if it’s never happened to anyone else because it’s never happened to us before. Only later can we look back in the comfort that perspective brings.
Rob Lowe
HUMANITY IS AN EXPERIMENT:Your present life now is nothing less than a cheap and pathetic imitation of what life supposed to be like, unless you free yourself from the slavery we have all accepted for reality you will never get to paradise.
Ray Mancini
Once you've found some joy, you never want to be without it.
Alec Baldwin
there was nothing to be ashamed of in doing jobs simply to make a living, so long as those jobs fueled other creative efforts
Alec Baldwin
He taught us that everyone has a good story and the more of others you understand, the better your grasp of human nature, a gift given great weight in my family" (73). - Bill Clinton, "Paying Attention
Denzel Washington
Every day, sincerely and without phoniness, Lou demonstrated by his actions how very vital it is - more than anything else - to understand and appreciate the people who work with you....Do your job well, learn your job well, but always remember that the people you work with are your most valuable asset. Embrace them. Honor them. Respect them" (206) "Prescriptions for Success" by John Schuerholz
Denzel Washington
What are you doing extra? That's what counts. That's when you're working hard - when you're going above and over what's expected of you" (102). - Tony Gonzalez, "The Giant Within
Denzel Washington
There's nothing good or bad, except by comparison" (210) - Bud Selig "Effort is Everything
Denzel Washington
I didn't know the answers, but I could feel that the things that gave life meaning came from a place within and from the nurturing of values like tolerance, charity, and community.
Dick Van Dyke
I have learned that when you make big decisions, life says, 'Fuck you. This is what you actually have in store.
Chris Pine
There is nothing good or bad, except by comparison" (209) - "Effort is Everything" by Bud Selig
Denzel Washington
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.
Craig Ferguson