Quotes by American Authors - Page 3356

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin
Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.
John Green
Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head." Eddie DeChooch
Janet Evanovich
I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.
Suzanne Collins
Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.
Stephen King
...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
Tom Robbins
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
David Sedaris
Hercules,huh? Percy frowned. "That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn--there he is.
Rick Riordan
Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?
Julie Kagawa
They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
You know what would help?" I asked, not meeting his eyes."Hmm?""If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down."Dimitri laughted. "Your worst class is history, yet somehow, you know everything about Eastern Europe.""Hey, gotta have material for my jokes, Comrade." Still smiling, he turned the radio dail. To a country station."Hey! This isn't what I had in mind," I exclaimed. I could tell he was on the verge of laughing again."Pick. It's one or the other."I sighed. "Go back to the 1980s stuff."He flipped the dail, and I crossed my arms over my chest as some vaguely European-sounding band sang about how video had killed the radio star. I wished someone would kill this radio.
Richelle Mead
Inconceivable!""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
William Goldman
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Garrison Keillor
The Little Boy and the Old ManSaid the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."Said the old man, "I do that too."The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."I do that too," laughed the little old man.Said the little boy, "I often cry."The old man nodded, "So do I."But worst of all," said the boy, "it seemsGrown-ups don't pay attention to me."And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.I know what you mean," said the little old man.
Shel Silverstein
You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.
Brandon Sanderson
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark Twain
That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.
Stephen King
She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.
Rick Riordan
When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles......they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.
Dr. Seuss
Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?" "Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been
James Patterson
A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.
Carolyn G. Heilbrun
Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian)
Richelle Mead
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.
George Carlin
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Groucho Marx
To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Woody Allen
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
George Carlin
Four flips the gun in this hand, presses the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. Peter freezes with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth. "Wake. Up," Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it.
Veronica Roth
People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
Christopher Paolini
Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Stephenie Meyer
I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn’t tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)
John Green
Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.
Suzanne Collins
French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.
Stephanie Perkins
There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.
Sylvia Plath
If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!
Lemony Snicket
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Flannery O'Connor
Are you always a smartass?'Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.
Jim Butcher
It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.
Rick Riordan
As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.
John Green
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
H.L. Mencken
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Robert Benchley
Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.
Howard Nemerov
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Alfred Hitchcock
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time.
Wendy Mass
It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.
Gertrude Stein
Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.
Rick Riordan
I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
Matt Groening
He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.“Green grass breaks through snow.tArtemis pleads for my help.tHe grinned at us, waiting for applause.t"That last line was four syllables.” Artemis said.tApollo frowned. “Was it?”t“No, no, that’s six syllable, hhhm.” He started muttering to himself. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.
Rick Riordan
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Mark Twain
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.
Lemony Snicket
People, generally, suck.
Christopher Moore
Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl" I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.
Veronica Roth
Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.
Suzanne Collins
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx