Quotes by American Authors - Page 3355

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
David Sedaris
I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons.
Stephanie Perkins
I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I'm under the table,after four I'm under my host.
Dorothy Parker
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
Mark Twain
I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!
Rick Riordan
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Herman Wouk
Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how.
Dr. Seuss
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
Ambrose Bierce
In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
Bill Watterson
As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
Bill Watterson
They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing."Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned."That can be his Indian name," I suggested.
James Patterson
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.
Pseudonymous Bosch
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Dorothy Parker
Okay, God, I thought. Get me out of this and I’ll stop my half-assed church-going ways. You got me past a pack of Strigoi tonight. I mean, trapping that one between the doors really shouldn't have worked, so clearly you're on board. Let me get out of here, and I’ll...I don’t know. Donate Adrian’s money to the poor. Get baptized. Join a convent. Well, no. Not that last one.
Richelle Mead
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
Mark Twain
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand.""Of course you don't," said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around.
Christopher Paolini
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Ambrose Bierce
MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.
Patricia Briggs
when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
J.D. Salinger
From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, "Worst. Timing. Ever." Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite. "Huh," Adrian said, letting himself in. "So that's how you're going to fix the family problem. Little Dragomirs. Good idea." Christian sat up and strolled toward them. "Yeah, that's exactly it. You're interrupting official Council business.
Richelle Mead
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Dorothy Parker
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Groucho Marx
You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said.Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window.""Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it.""Twice.""Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen.
J.R. Ward
My name is Percy Jackson. I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled kid?Yeah. You could say that.
Rick Riordan
My mother made a squeaking sound that might of been either "yes" or "help".Poseidon took it as a yes and came in.Paul was looking back and forth between us, trying to read our expressions.Finally he stepped forward."Hi, I'm Paul Blofis."Poseidon raised an eyebrow and then shook his hand."Blowfish, did you say?""Ah, no. Blofis, actually.""Oh, I see," Poseidon said. "A shame. I quite like blowfish. I am Poseidon.""Poseidon? That's an interesting name.""Yes, I like it. I've gone by other names, but I do prefer Poseidon.""Like the god of the sea.""Very much like that, yes""Well!" My mother interrupted. "Um, were so glad you could drop by. Paul, this is Percy's father.""Ah." Paul nodded, though he didn't look real pleased. "I see."Poseidon smiled at me. "There you are, my boy. And Tyson, hello, son!""Daddy!" Tyson [shouted]...Paul's jaw dropped. He stared at my mother. "Tyson is...""Not mine," she promised. "It's a long story.
Rick Riordan
You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.
Kami Garcia
I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking
Albert Einstein
I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.
John Green
The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!" he screamed.CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.Rice!"PEAS!"And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."Hip Hip Hip Hooray!" the Colonel cried.YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!
John Green
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Woody Allen
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
It's not like there's a law against flying.""Yes there is. The law of gravity.
Laini Taylor
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
Mark Twain
If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.
Christopher Moore
Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.
Patrick Rothfuss
Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.
Alexandra Bracken
You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.
Charlaine Harris
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
David Sedaris
Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.
John Green
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Benjamin Franklin
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
Mark Twain
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Dorothy Parker
You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!
Stephenie Meyer
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Jerry Seinfeld
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
D.J. MacHale
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.
John Irving
Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)
Jeaniene Frost
To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
Anne Lamott
You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!
Lauren Myracle
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
Joseph Heller
[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.
Rick Riordan
You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!
James Dashner
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.
Charles Bukowski