Quotes by American Authors - Page 3350

My reading list grows exponentially. Every time I read a book, it'll mention three other books I feel I have to read. It's like a particularly relentless series of pop-up ads.
A.J. Jacobs
You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
Bill Watterson
The staircase that was revealed was lit with a soft red glow.I feel like I'm walking down into a porn movie," V muttered as they took the steps with care.Wouldn't that require more black candles for you," Zsadist cracked.At the bottom of the landing, they looked left and right down a corridor carved out of stone, seeing row after row of...black candles with ruby color flames.I take that back," Z said, eyeing the display.We start hearing chick-a-wow-wow shit," V cut in, "can I start calling you Z-packed?"Not if you want to keep breathing.
J.R. Ward
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen
You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor." a minor," she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?
Rachel Caine
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine.
Rick Riordan
Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs.She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought.On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed.Cool.
J.R. Ward
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
Sue Grafton
Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.
Charles M. Schulz
Oh, look at that, he's heard of me. My fame grows.
Julie Kagawa
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Woody Allen
As with most of life's problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.
Andy Weir
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Groucho Marx
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
John Green
A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.
Lisa Kleypas
Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
Margaret Mitchell
If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.
Philip K Dick
You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
One of the greatest myths in the world - & the phrase 'greatest myths' is just a fancy way of saying 'big fat lies' -- is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.
Lemony Snicket
That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Bill Watterson
Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
J.R. Ward
You look too pretty to be useful." "Truer words were never spoken.
Richelle Mead
Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried.
John Green
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Steve Martin
I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.'This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson.
Dave Barry
Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.
Chuck Klosterman
Well then," Roen said briskly, "are you sleeping?""Yes.""Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?""No," Brigan said gravely. "I've not eaten in two months. It's a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.""Gracious," Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. "Have an apple, dear.
Kristin Cashore
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.
Christopher Moore
You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments.
Emma Chase
Are you insinuatin' that my daughter is a liar?""Oh, no, not at all. I'm saying your daughter is a liar. Surely you can appreciate the difference.
Kami Garcia
Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
George Saunders
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Right," she said, "We're going to the Land of the Dead and I shouldn't think negative.
Rick Riordan
Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.
Lemony Snicket
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
Now what happens?" asked the man in black. "We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.""You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?
William Goldman
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
Leonard Bernstein
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
George Carlin
One of the world's most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer "a deck of cards" or "Anna Karenina" when the obvious answer is "a well equipped boat and a crew to sail me off the island and back home where I can play all the card games and read all the Russian novels I want.
Lemony Snicket
It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really.
Ilona Andrews
Why is it that all cars are women?" he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding," answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done," I told him.
Patricia Briggs
If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?
P.C. Cast
That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know.""Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind.""I so wish you hadn't said that.
Rachel Caine
Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin.Don't die.I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me.Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You're already dead.He laughed. You know, for once, it's good to be me.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense.
Richelle Mead
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
George Carlin
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Colleen Hoover
Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times," Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!
Rick Riordan
Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles M. Schulz
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
John Green
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Woody Allen
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book.
Brandon Sanderson
My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.
Darynda Jones
Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.
Laurell K. Hamilton
You fuck - you ate my cat!
Kendare Blake
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
Lemony Snicket
Well, that's an evil smile...
James Patterson
He'd changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped short. He look like an evil male model, showing off what the fashionable college-age villain was wearing to Harvard this year.
Rick Riordan