Quotes by American Authors - Page 3349

why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream when I do what I did?Im a kid.
Shel Silverstein
The sign was spray-painted in Arabic and English, probably from some attempt by the farmer to sell his wares in the market. The English read: Dates-best price. Cold Bebsi. "Bebsi?" I asked."Pepsi," Walt said. "I read about it on the Internet. There's no 'p' in Arabic. Everyone here calls the soda Bebsi.""So you have to have Bebsi with your bizza?""Brobably.
Rick Riordan
Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.
Jodi Picoult
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.
David Sedaris
When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.But laughing is exactly what I did.
Rachel Hawkins
The train is roaring toward you and the villain is twirling his moustache and you're fussing that he's tied you to the tracks with the wrong kind of rope.
Robin McKinley
You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?""I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.
Kristin Cashore
You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!
Kresley Cole
I want to do it too!" (sitting motionless)Nudge: "Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church."Max: (muttering) "Appropriately enough."Iggy: "What about me?" (stands still)Max: "No, you're visible."Iggy: "Am not!"Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you?
James Patterson
Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
Mae West
If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you.
Jesse Andrews
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Mark Twain
Nice dress. Take it off.
Janet Evanovich
All right," Clara said. "We have our swordsman, so let's get moving. Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.
Kristin Cashore
Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked."Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack.
Ilona Andrews
Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there's something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-""Ask me if I sparkle and I'll kill you where you stand," Bones cut him off with utmost seriousness.
Jeaniene Frost
If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
James A. Michener
I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.“Ow!”“Taste the rainbow bitch.
Michelle Hodkin
Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
Charles M. Schulz
In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!
Jim Butcher
Are you a female dog?""What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
Lisi Harrison
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
Isaac Marion
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
-BDB on the board-Knitter's AnonimousMay 8, 2006Rhage (in his bedroom posting in V's room on the board)Hi, my name is V.("Hi, V")I've been knitting for 125 years now.(*gasping noises*)It's begun to impact my personal relationships: my brothers think I'm a nancy. It's begun to affect my health: I'm getting a callus on my forefinger and I find bits of yarn in all my pockets and I'm starting to smell like wool. I can't concentrate at work: I keep picturing all these lessers in Irish sweaters and thick socks.(*sounds of sympathy*)I've come seeking a community of people who, like me, are trying not to knit. Can you help me?(*We're with you*)Thank you (*takes out hand-knitted hankie in pink*)(*sniffles*)("We embrace you, V")Vishous (in the pit): Oh hell no...you did not just put that up. And nice spelling in the title. Man...you just have to roll up on me, don't you. I got four words for you, my brother.Rhage: Four words? Okay...lemme see... Rhage, you're so sexy.hmmm....Rhage, you're SO smart. No wait! Rhage, you're SO right! That's it, isn't it...g'head. You can tell me. Vishous: First one starts with a "P"Use your head for the other three. Bastard.Rhage: P? Hmm... Please pass the yarnVishous: Payback is a bitch!Rhage: OhhhhhhhhhhhhI'm so scuuuuuurred. Can you whip me up a blanket to hide under?
J.R. Ward
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
Mel Brooks
We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d'you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins. ...A fatty trusts another fatty.
John Green
Max, if you survive your final test, can you steal me one of those magic outfits for me?" I'll try to get one for each of us. Hey! 'If'?
James Patterson
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
George Carlin
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Bill Watterson
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
Scott Adams
The world isn't fair, Calvin.""I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
Bill Watterson
You've got no sense of humor.""I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass.
J D ROBB
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.
H.L. Mencken
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Mark Twain
God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful...
Ernest Hemingway
I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours.""Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
Kristin Cashore
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
Colin decided then and there that the female mind was a strange and incomprehensible organ - one which no man should even attempt to understand. There wasn't a woman alive who could go from point A to B without stopping at C, D, X, and 12 along the way.
Julia Quinn
I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.
Bill Hicks
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen
My muscles informed me they did not want to go through any more exercise today. So I suggest that maybe he should let me off this time. He laughed, and I'm pretty sure it was at me...not with me. "Why is that funny?" "Oh," he said, his smile dropping. "You were serious.""Of course I was! Look, I've technically been awake for two days. Why do we have to start this training now? Let me go to bed." I whined. "It's just one hour.""How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on it while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?" I retorted.
Richelle Mead
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.
Joss Whedon
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
George Carlin
I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.
J.R. Ward
If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry. "That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya
George R.R. Martin
My dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.
Rachel Caine
But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.
Rachel Hawkins
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;In my own way, and with my full consent.Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarelyWent to their deaths more proud than this one went.Some nights of apprehension and hot weepingI will confess; but that's permitted me;Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keepingRubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.If I had loved you less or played you slylyI might have held you for a summer more,But at the cost of words I value highly,And no such summer as the one before.Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,I shall have only good to say of you.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Are you any good at it?""Pulling idiots out of the snow? I'm the best.
Cynthia Hand
Yes Yeswhen God created love he didn't help most when God created dogs He didn't help dogs when God created plants that was average when God created hate we had a standard utility when God created me He created me when God created the monkey He was asleep when He created the giraffe He was drunk when He created narcotics He was high and when He created suicide He was low when He created you lying in bed He knew what He was doing He was drunk and He was high and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time He made some mistakes but when He created you lying in bed He came all over His Blessed Universe.
Charles Bukowski
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
David Sedaris
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.
Lemony Snicket
We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie
Jeaniene Frost
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
Bill Hicks
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
Criss Jami
I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
Bill Watterson