Quotes by American Authors - Page 3348

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Lemony Snicket
...crackers..." a voice breathed out nehind us, "yesss..."Both of us turned, watching as Chubs twisted around in his seat and settled back down, still fast asleep. I pressed a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Liam rolled his eyes, smiling. .
Alexandra Bracken
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
Mary Ann Shaffer
Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
Lena Dunham
Don't blame me. Tell your mom to move closer. Tell her there's this new club called civilization and you guys should join.
Becca Fitzpatrick
St. Clair clears his throat. 'My fiancée and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I'd ask you all to join us, but I don't want you there.
Stephanie Perkins
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
...How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?""In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty," he replied.
George R.R. Martin
Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. 'Will you swear?'And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?
Rachel Caine
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
Scott Adams
But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.
Chuck Klosterman
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
Why are they going to disappear him?'I don't know.'It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar.
Joseph Heller
If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge.
Junot Díaz
What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed."Honestly?""Does now seem like the time for honesty?"I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap.
Veronica Roth
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
John Green
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
Steve Harvey
I have to return some videotapes
Bret Easton Ellis
See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.”Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?”“Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?”“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”“What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!
Marissa Meyer
If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I'll have to risk it.
Andy Weir
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
Bill Watterson
The baby batScreamed out in fright,'Turn on the dark,I'm afraid of the light.
Shel Silverstein
To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.
Gena Showalter
I'm sorry," he says."What? Why?""You're fixing everything I set down." He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. "It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things.""Oh, it's okay," I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. "You can touch anything of mine you want." would be so bad.
Stephanie Perkins
I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.
Tina Fey
Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. 'I see that my period of intellectual respite has come to an end.'Ham smiled. 'I thought up a couple beastly questions while I was gone, and I've been saving them just for you, Breeze.''I'm dying of anticipation,' Breeze said. He turned his cane toward Lestibournes. 'Spook, drink.'Spook rushed over and fetched Breeze a cup of wine.'He's such a fine lad,' Breeze noted, accepting the drink. 'I barely even have to nudge him Allomantically. If only the rest of you ruffians were so accommodating.'Spook frowned. 'Niceing the not on the playing without.''I have no idea what you just said, child,' Breeze said. 'So I'm simply going to pretend it was coherent, then move on.'Kelsier rolled his eyes. 'Losing the stress on the nip,' he said. 'Notting without the needing of care.''Riding the rile of the rids to the right,' Spook said with a nod.'What are you two babbling about?' Breeze said testily.'Wasing the was of brightness,' Spook said. 'Nip the having of wishing of this.''Ever wasing the doing of this,' Kelsier agreed.'Ever wasing the wish of having the have,' Ham added with a smile. 'Brighting the wish of wasing the not.'Breeze turned to Dockson with exasperation. 'I believe our companions have finally lost their minds, dear friend.'Dockson shrugged. Then, with a perfectly straight face, he said, 'Wasing not of wasing is.
Brandon Sanderson
Fall off your own roof.
Veronica Rossi
I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-""It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule.
Shannon Hale
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.
Lemony Snicket
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
Caring about someone isn't complicated. It isn't easy. But it isn't complicated, either. Kinda like lifting the engine block out of a car.
Jim Butcher
So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?
Jim Butcher
It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.
Andrew Jackson
Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.
Heather Brewer
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16
Christopher Hitchens
I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.
Jim Morrison
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
Bill Hicks
CONJUGATE THIS:
Laurie Halse Anderson
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
Chris Rock
I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Johnny Depp
Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.
Will Cuppy
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
There's no trouble in this world so serious that it can't be cured with a hot bath, a glass of whiskey, and the Book of Common Prayer.
Elizabeth Gilbert
Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
Lauren Oliver
Writers don't make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don't work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffee, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about throwing the schmuck's book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man's stupid words. And for this, as I said, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more.
Donald Miller
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
Sam Levenson
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
George Carlin
I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven.
Jim Butcher
I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja.
Darynda Jones
I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword."She raised an eyebrow."Sharp as hell," Lightsong said, "but lacking a point.
Brandon Sanderson
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Dave Barry
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
When in doubt, look intelligent.
Garrison Keillor
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Erma Bombeck
Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.
Steve Martin
When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
Nora Ephron
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright