Quotes by American Authors - Page 3345

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound of twittering birds, and find yourself in an enormous canopy bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of freshly made muffins and hand-squeezed orange juice on a silver tray, you will know that your day will be a splendid one. If you wake up to the sound of church bells, and find yourself in a fairly big regular bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of hot tea and toast on a plate, you will know that your day will be O.K. And if you wake up to the sound of somebody banging two metal pots together, and find yourself in a small bunk bed, with a nasty foreman standing in the doorway holding no breakfast at all, you will know that your day will be horrid.
Lemony Snicket
An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.
Andy Warhol
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
Johnny Depp
So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" true?". "You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me."Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type.""Hey, now," said Jordan mildly. Magnus put his head in his hands. into?""Mermaids," said Magnus into his fingers. "They always smell like seaweed."," Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd.
Cassandra Clare
I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.
Darynda Jones
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
Woody Allen
I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway.""While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid.
Gena Showalter
I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons.”“If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?
Kresley Cole
Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He’s shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. “I’m sorry,” he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. “This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing
Tahereh Mafi
Do you love him?"There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them.
Richelle Mead
Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?
Laurell K. Hamilton
Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said.
Lemony Snicket
What's going on?" Newt asked, looking back and forth between Thomas and Aris. "Why're you guys looking at each other like you just fell in love?
James Dashner
Tyson- "Cash? Like...green paper?"Percy- "Yeah."Tyson- "Like the kind in duffel bags?"Percy-"Yeah, but we lost those bags days a-g-g--." "Tyson! How did you--"Tyson- "Thought it was a feed bag for Rainbow. Found it floating in sea, but only paper inside. Sorry.
Rick Riordan
We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting.
Rick Riordan
Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.
George R.R. Martin
...cursing my heels and debating whether it was faster to stop and take them off--damn ankle straps!--or keep running with the potential neck breakers. Wouldn’t that make a charming epitaph? Here lies Cat. Killed not by fang, but Ferragamos.
Jeaniene Frost
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
Albert Einstein
When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
Mark Twain
I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.
Allen Ginsberg
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Mark Twain
Sigh"?"Eye roll
Colleen Hoover
If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
Bill Watterson
Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!
Jonathan Safran Foer
Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck.
David Wong
It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.
Patricia Briggs
I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes."I could kiss you!" Chubs cried."Please don't!" I gasp out, feeling his arms tighten around my ribs to the point of cracking them.
Alexandra Bracken
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin
Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually.""Who? I want a name.""Jamie Roth.""The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.""That was one incident.
Michelle Hodkin
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
Chelsea Handler
She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it.
Ally Carter
What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.
Stephanie Perkins
Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!
Cherise Sinclair
good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
Helen Gurley Brown
Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement.
Jeaniene Frost
I am not sure I trust you.""You can trust me with your life, My King.""But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back.
Megan Whalen Turner
Housework can kill you if done right.
Erma Bombeck
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
Darynda Jones
Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.
Kristin Cashore
Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.
Henry Ford
Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
Scott Dikkers
What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?
Ellen DeGeneres
Room service? Send up a larger room."]
Groucho Marx
She would've been a good woman," said The Misfit, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.
Flannery O'Connor
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
Peter De Vries
Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile.
Spider Robinson
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
Douglas MacArthur
Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?
Sherrilyn Kenyon
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
Tina Fey
If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake.
Joss Whedon
Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha!
Jeaniene Frost
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
George Carlin
James - "Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?"Elizabeth - "Oh, I'm definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me.
Julia Quinn
Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise.
Janet Evanovich
Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.
Jennifer L. Armentrout
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
Bill Hicks
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright