Quotes by American Authors - Page 3343

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.
Rachel Caine
As far as I can tell, there are two basic (kissing) rules: 1. Don't bite anything without permission. 2. The human tongue is like wasabi: it's very powerful, and should be used sparingly.
John Green
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
Sam Levenson
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
Justin Halpern
Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.
Richelle Mead
Katniss: 'What about you? Ive seen you in the market. You can lift hundred pound bags of flour'. I snap at himTell him that. Thats not nothing.Peeta: Yes and Im sure the arena will be full of bags of flour for me to chuck at people.
Suzanne Collins
He’s a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. And though he’s not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.”William growled low in his throat. “Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone?” He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. “Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya’s the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.”Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. “William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel.
Gena Showalter
This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power.
Philip K Dick
Your as slow as a fat kid on crutches
P.C. Cast
No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,
Jeaniene Frost
FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.
Brandon Mull
Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?
Marti Noxon
Ack!" I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.
Jim Butcher
...slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.
Ransom Riggs
It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.
Brandon Sanderson
I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I'd damn well tell him myself.
Rachel Vincent
He whipped out his sheet, then pulled it over himself and wrapped it tightly around his face like an old woman in a shawl. 'How do I look?''Like the ugliest shanky girl I’ve ever seen,' Minho responded. 'You better thank the gods above you were born a dude.' 'Thanks.
James Dashner
Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck
Simone Elkeles
Any idiot can put up a website.
Patricia Briggs
Frank didn’t drop you on purpose,” she said. “He’s not like that. He’s just a little clumsy sometimes.”“Oops,” Leo said, in his best Frank Zhang voice. “Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!
Rick Riordan
And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass.
Elizabeth Eulberg
I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.
Janet Evanovich
I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body.""Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition.""No, really. I'm trapped.""Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?""That's just it - I've never shape-shifted.""So you're not really a werewolf.""Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?
Carrie Vaughn
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--
Rachel Hawkins
Stop!" Narcissus got to his feet. "This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be..." He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he'd talked about anything other than himself. "He must be tricking us." Apparently Narcissus wasn't completely stupid.
Rick Riordan
Tell you what, you let me go, and I’ll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I’m slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me.
J.R. Ward
Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.” like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me. better.
Marie Lu
He smiled at that, and then his gaze shifted to a spot over my shoulder and it faded. 'These doubts wouldn’t have anything to do with the company you’re keeping of late, would they?'I didn’t get a chance to answer before the shop door was thrown open and a furious war mage stomped in. Pritkin spotted me and his eyes narrowed.'You shaved my legs?!'Mircea looked at me and folded his arms across his chest. I looked from one unhappy face to the other and suddenly remembered that I had somewhere else to be.
Karen Chance
Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people.
Pete Wentz
Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.
Ilona Andrews
Well, spit on my empty grave--if it ain't the attack of the Disney princesses!
Amy Plum
The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.
Chuck Palahniuk
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]"Don't they teach you anything in your schools?".""Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google.
Rachel Caine
I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.
Scott Westerfeld
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney Company
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Mark Twain
Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif."She thought I could assist you in some way. Instead, I had tried to-""Kill me? You can join the 'I Want to Kill Yelena Guild.' I hear they have sixmembers in good standing.Valek is president since he had wanted to kill me twice."--Yelena to Leif
Maria V. Snyder
It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, "Who's diving for clams now, bitch?
Ilona Andrews
Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out.
Laurell K. Hamilton
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry
The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.
Garrison Keillor
I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.
Molly Harper
You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt
Darynda Jones
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
Lewis Black
NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.
Simone Elkeles
Where I come from, we're more about efficiency,' he replies. 'A knife like this'll skewer food, smear butter, and slit throats all at the same time.
Marie Lu
I actually like how doctors talk. I like the sound of science. I like how words you don't understand explain things you can't understand.
R.J. Palacio
The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there.
Ernest Becker
The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.
Nelson DeMille
Don't care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor
Jeaniene Frost
In the present case it is a little inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible to any public office of trust or profit in the Republic. But I do not repine, for I am a subject of it only by force of arms.
H.L. Mencken
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Mark Twain
Of course, it is boring to read about boring thing, but it is better to read something that makes you yawn with boredom than something that will make you weep uncontrollably, pound your fists against the floor, and leave tearstains all over your pillowcase, sheets, and boomerang collection.
Lemony Snicket
Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday," both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.
Rick Riordan
You look as scary as a buttered muffin.
Tamora Pierce
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.
Mark Twain