Quotes by American Authors - Page 3342

Must be weird for you, having your mom here.""Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad.""Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room.""Cal," I said with mock astonishment, "did you just make a joke?""Maybe.
Rachel Hawkins
He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee.
Rachel Caine
You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab."Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!
Rachel Caine
When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?
Henry Rollins
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
Steven Wright
Being a leader is making the people you love hate you a little more each day.
Patrick Ness
Why on earth would you buy a car like this if you can't drive a stick? There are dozens of cars--new cars--that have automatic transmission. It'd be a million times easier." Adrian shrugged. "I like the color. It matches my living room.
Richelle Mead
Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that."Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today?
Molly Harper
No one believes you’re serious until bodies start to fall. -Vlad
Jeaniene Frost
Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.
H.L. Mencken
Civilization is vastly overrated.
Patricia Briggs
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
Dave Barry
But we're going to smile and pretend we're fine with the dorky birthmas gifts because people do not get that they can't mush a birthday into christmas.
P.C. Cast
I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
Darynda Jones
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
Demetri Martin
Ooh..I want one" - BexThey're not puppies." -Cammie
Ally Carter
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Ambrose Bierce
So the first thing we're gonna do," I told him, "is push you off the roof.
James Patterson
If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.
Laurie Halse Anderson
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Chris Rock
rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.
David Levithan
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Steven Wright
Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!
Maggie Stiefvater
Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.
Yogi Berra
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven Wright
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry
You wanna go build some shelves with me?
Alexandra Bracken
The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.
Peter S Beagle
if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones.
Norton Juster
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Drew Carey
You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.
Richelle Mead
An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps
Kathy Reichs
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
H.L. Mencken
This is a good place," he said."There's a lot of liquor," I agreed.
Ernest Hemingway
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
Ron White
Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?"I nod, eyes closed. its texture, shape, and color—got it?"I smile, holding the image in my head. its contours with the tips of your fingers, cradle its weight in the palms of your hands, then combine all of your senses—sight, touch, smell, taste—can you taste it?"I bite my lip and suppress a giggle. it!" he says.So I do. I do all of those things. And when he groans, I open my eyes to see for myself.. This isn't even close.""Nope, nothing fruity about him." I laugh, smiling ateach of my Damens—the replica I manifested before me, and the flesh and blood version beside me. Both of them equally tall, dark, and so devastatingly handsome they hardly seem real.
Alyson Noel
You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record.
James Patterson
Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, but there are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another, whether you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the in the dark about being in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark, but in the dark in the dark nontheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet, and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark about being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park.
Lemony Snicket
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
George Carlin
Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.
Brandon Sanderson
It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn't the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves.
Richelle Mead
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Jon Stewart
That's kind of a leap, but the Russian judge gave you a nine point five for style, so okay.
Rachel Caine
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Yogi Berra
This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?""I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?""Yes," she said."That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.
Orson Scott Card
Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother
Gena Showalter
I was just kidding, shuck-face," Minho said. "Let's all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers.""Psycho girl ninjas?" Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho's additude.
James Dashner
Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds," I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and then came back with another. "Ben, getting you a date to prom is so hard that the American government believes the problem cannot be solved with diplomacy, but will instead require force.
John Green
People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know.
Rick Riordan
His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.
Laurell K. Hamilton
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Mark Twain
Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.
Shannon Hale
Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need o have another talk about your people skills.""Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble."Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend."Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not―""Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?""Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled
Rick Riordan
Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.
Jim Butcher
I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life.
Melissa de la Cruz
Percy was getting tired of water.If he said that aloud, he would probably get kicked out of Poseidon’s Junior Sea Scouts, but he didn’t care.
Rick Riordan
You're getting into some kind of shape, cop."Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head."Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone."It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it.
J.R. Ward
What grinds me the most is we're sending kids out into the world who don't know how to balance a checkbook, don't know how to apply for a loan, don't even know how to properly fill out a job application, but because they know the quadratic formula we consider them prepared for the world`With that said, I'll admit even I can see how looking at the equation x -3 = 19 and knowing x =22 can be useful. I'll even say knowing x =7 and y= 8 in a problem like 9x - 6y= 15 can be helpful. But seriously, do we all need to know how to simplify (x-3)(x-3i)??And the joke is, no one can continue their education unless they do. A student living in California cannot get into a four-year college unless they pass Algebra 2 in high school. A future psychologist can't become a psychologist, a future lawyer can't become a lawyer, and I can't become a journalist unless each of us has a basic understanding of engineering.Of course, engineers and scientists use this shit all the time, and I applaud them! But they don't take years of theater arts appreciation courses, because a scientist or an engineer doesn't need to know that 'The Phantom of the Opoera' was the longest-running Broadway musical of all time.Get my point?
Chris Colfer
You climbed into my window in the middle of the night. So, either you're some kind of Vampire or some kind of Perv. Which is it?
Kami Garcia