Quotes by American Authors - Page 3335

'Tell Suzie she's a lucky cat.' Have sexier words ever been spoken?
Ally Carter
Do you find this...distracting?
Suzanne Collins
How are you feeling?"I leaned away from him. "Gross."Aiden frowned. "Gross?""I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."He laughed. "Alex, come on.""Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."I stared at him. He must not get out much.
Jennifer L. Armentrout
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
Erma Bombeck
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does.
Steuart Henderson Britt
I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.
Laurell K. Hamilton
You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog."COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED
Ernest Cline
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Henry Kissinger
For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
Jess Rothenberg
Professors of literature collect books the way a ship collects barnacles, without seeming effort.
Carolyn G. Heilbrun
Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier. Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start? Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.
Claudia Gray
Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!
Ilona Andrews
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry
You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!
Taylor Swift
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
George Carlin
If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-''Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.'Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried to defend our honor. We stood silently, waiting for our headmistress to say, 'Oh, we are quite used to being underestimated, Agent Townsend. In fact, we welcome it.
Ally Carter
I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.
Mary Ann Shaffer
Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett.
Seth Grahame-Smith
In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic.
Jim Butcher
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
George Lucas
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.
Langston Hughes
Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.
Rachel Caine
I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.
C.B. Cook
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
Taylor Swift
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
Mark Twain
Normal" is just a setting on your dryer.
Patsy Clairmont
Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
Richelle Mead
…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.
Jeaniene Frost
I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.-Bobby Tom
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.
Jonathan Safran Foer
Could we wear spandex and blow things up?
Lisa Mantchev
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
Christopher Moore
This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.
Hunter S. Thompson
He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer.
Shannon Hale
Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way."It's three thirty in the morning.""Okay. Want coffee?
Darynda Jones
Just as I had long suspected, a person didn't really need math for anything anyway. Maybe some people did. Some limited people.
Augusten Burroughs
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
Stephen Colbert
I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about.
Patrick Rothfuss
What's that?""That's my attack poodle.
Ilona Andrews
Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs. "These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations.""All natural!" Fleecy chimed in."I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy.
Rick Riordan
It'd Be a Lot Cooler If You Did.
Matthew McConaughey
Garrick was panting when he replied, “You’re not forcing me to do anything. I just want you to be sure. You can say stop at anytime.” His lips pulled wide. “You don’t need to make up a new pet.
Cora Carmack
On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.
Allie Brosh
She seemed to be a nice person, too, instead of a homicidal bitch like his former wife. Otherwise, the world should fear. When Mencheres fell for a woman, he fell hard. If Kira asked for her own continent as a birthday present, Mencheres would probably have one conquered for her before she blew out her candles.
Jeaniene Frost
Dear God in heaven.” Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.” “Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
Shelly Laurenston
Falling in love is painful on the knees.
Jon Bon Jovi
The integrity of my sleep has been forever compromised, sir.
David Foster Wallace
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
T.S Eliot
I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably lusts for her. But if he loves her, it’s a shallow love. You want proof?” Cagney didn’t wait for Dr. Victor to say yay or nay.“Soon after meeting her for the first time, he realizes he forgot to ask her for her name. Can true love be founded upon such shallow acquaintance? I don’t think so. And at the end, when he thinks she’s dead, he finds no comfort in living out the remainder of his life within the paradigm of his love, at least keeping alive the memory of what they had briefly shared, even if it was no more than illusion, or more accurately, hormonal.“Those of us watching events unfold from the darkness know she merely lies in slumber. But does he seek the reason for her life-like appearance? No. Instead he accuses Death of amorousness, convinced that the ‘lean abhorred monster’ endeavors to keep Juliet in her present state, her cheeks flushed, so that she might cater to his own dissolute desires. But does Romeo hold her in his arms one last time and feel the warmth of her blood still coursing through her veins? Does he pinch her to see if she might awaken? Hold a mirror to her nose to see if her breath fogs it? Once, twice, three times a ‘no.’”Cagney sighed, listened to the leather creak as he shifted his weight in his chair.“No,” he repeated. “His alleged love is so superficial and selfish that he seeks to escape the pain of loss by taking his own life. That’s not love, but obsessive infatuation. Had they wed—Juliet bearing many children, bonding, growing together, the masks of the star-struck teens they once were long ago cast away, basking in the comforting campfire of a love born of a lifetime together, not devoured by the raging forest fire of youth that consumes everything and leaves behind nothing—and she died of natural causes, would Romeo have been so moved to take his own life, or would he have grieved properly, for her loss and not just his own?
J. Conrad Guest
I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
Bill Watterson
A crossbow?” Pigeon asked.I left my battle-ax in my other jeans,” the man said.
Brandon Mull
Well, man, you know what they say."No, I don't. I don't know what they say. I don't even know who they are. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug. They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them.
Bo Burnham
If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.
Jim Butcher
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Jerry Seinfeld
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
George Carlin
When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.Yeah. We were badasses.
Richelle Mead
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck
Millard! Who's the prime minister?""Winston Churchill," he said. "Have you gone daft?""What's the capital of Burma?""Lord, I've no idea. Rangoon?""Good! When's your birthday?""Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!
Ransom Riggs