Quotes by American Authors - Page 3334

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin
Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.
Rachel Caine
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
Darynda Jones
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard.""Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
Julie Kagawa
Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.
Dan Wells
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
Pittacus Lore
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Jon Stewart
I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.
Jim Butcher
I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.
Maya Banks
I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.
Mae West
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
Dave Barry
Do you sleep naked?
Becca Fitzpatrick
I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.
Christopher Moore
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
George Carlin
Hell's bells, irony blows.
Jim Butcher
Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn't have a soul.
Kim Harrison
Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.
Criss Jami
You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?" "I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.
Becca Fitzpatrick
But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.
J.R. Ward
We made too many wrong mistakes.
Yogi Berra
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Yogi Berra
This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.
Meg Cabot
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Mark Twain
Women are sneaky.
Patricia Briggs
All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy penguin I knew. Yeah, hiding sounded good.
Laurell K. Hamilton
I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits.
Jim Butcher
I like pancakes.
Brandon Mull
You told me I was the best sex you'd ever had in your life...You couldn't get enough...At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.
Rachel Gibson
Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.
Jennifer Crusie
You know, I can see more than just the future or the past.""Really?" I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. "Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too. Like, right now, I sense that I'm in a messy room with a total toolbox.
Rachel Hawkins
Zoo-Wee Mama!
Jeff Kinney
I think we're too young to be dating. I mean I don't see what the rush is." Summer says. "Yeah, I agree," said August. "Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?
R.J. Palacio
Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)
Ally Carter
I hate the vamp jobs. They think they're so suave. It's not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy.
Kiersten White
Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.
Jim Butcher
Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!"-Razor
Julie Kagawa
Somewhere, the zebra is dancing.
Garth Stein
That's it, cupcake. You're going down.
Rick Riordan
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
Rick Riordan
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Dorothy Parker
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
Jim Morrison
Pulling the chair out for me, he invited me to sit. I stood there wondering if I could sprint for the nearest exit. Stupid strappy shoes, I'd never make it. He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I know what you're thinking, and I'm not going to let you escape again. You can either take a seat and have dinner with me like a normal date," he grinned at his word choice, "or," he paused thoughtfully then threatened, "you can sit on my lap while I force-feed you.
Colleen Houck
There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule,' he says. 'Done,' I say.'Did you follow it at all today?' he asks in exasperation.'Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented.' I hold up my wrist to show my medical bracelet and realize it's gone. 'See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet.' (Katniss and Boggs)
Suzanne Collins
I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.
Jeaniene Frost
To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.
Molly Harper
Revenge is sweet and not fattening.
Alfred Hitchcock
Once again, I've been thwarted by the massive difference between my vision of the successful me and the me I'm currently stuck with.
Lauren Graham
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
George Carlin
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
Phyllis Diller
He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace...
John Green
If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
Chuck Palahniuk
Oh that looked painful," called another Puck, a little farther down. "We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.
Julie Kagawa
I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.
Darynda Jones
You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.
Kami Garcia
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Chelsea Handler
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
John Green
You can run from the grave, but you can't hide.
Jeaniene Frost
All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
Rick Riordan