Quotes by American Authors - Page 3330

Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I'm not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just going to come out between my legs and I'm going to look like I'm walking around with an enormous load in my pants.
Meg Cabot
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Murphy's Law
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
Robert Anton Wilson
My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!"
Judy Schachner
Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.
Bill Watterson
If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.
Richelle Mead
How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - "“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”“Stalk me.”“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.
Sara Wolf
I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.
Tamora Pierce
Cam's wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed. "Holy Hell," Callie whispered, blinking."More or less," Arriane said
Lauren Kate
WE do try to eat," Raoul called back to her [Kel]. I go all faint if I don't get fed regularly. Only think of the disgrace to the King's Own if I fell from the saddle.""But there was that time in Fanwood," a voice behind them said."That wedding in Tameran," added the blonde Sergeant Osbern, riding a horse-length behind Kel."Don't forget when what's-his-name, with the army, retired," yelled a third."Silence, insubordinate curs!" cried Raoul. "Do not sully my new squire's ears with your profane tales!""Even if they're TRUE?" That was Dom. It seemed Neal wasn't the only family member versed in irony.
Tamora Pierce
Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that." -Aphrodite
P.C. Cast
Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."What?"Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of."The people who've been in your secret hiding places."The people you bite your thumb in front of."Hi."Hi."..."..."Wow. My first Lindsey."My second Colin."That was fun. Let's try it again."Sold."..."..."..."...
John Green
How'd you get to be so good at this?""I had a good teacher.""Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.""I mean you, dummy.""Oh.
Rachel Caine
I'm not looking for the perfect man. I'm looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with.
Devon Ashley
It seemed Lady Luck hated me worse than usual.
Julie Kagawa
Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: "Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that." Some photographers are compulsively effusive. "Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous!" they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It's hard to take because it's more positive feedback than you've received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, "Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You're breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You're going very fast, yes!
Tina Fey
And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.
Meg Cabot
The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.
Mark Twain
Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.
Truman Capote
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn't sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.
Gary D. Schmidt
Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.
Julie Spira
Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’re...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said.
Brandon Sanderson
There was a sound like a human yawn, and then the skull turned slightly toward me and asked, "What's up, boss?""Evil's afoot.""Well, sure," Bob said, "because it refuses to learn the metric system. Otherwise it'd be up to a meter by now.
Jim Butcher
When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!
Julie Halpern
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
Erma Bombeck
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner
Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. “Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that.
Gena Showalter
A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line.
Kim Harrison
Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs," I said. "We have a protractor.
Neal Stephenson
You just gotta tell her, man,’ I said. ‘You just gotta say, “Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.
John Green
I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.
Brandon Sanderson
I sat down and tried to write a story."Ian MacArthur is a wonderful sweet fellow who wears glasses and peers out of them with delight."That was the first sentence. The problem was that I just couldn't think of the next one. After cleaning my room three times, I decided to leave Ian alone for a while because I was starting to get mad at him.
Stephen Chbosky
Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire," she said. "Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit." "You don't mean that." "Come on. I still like you, you know, even if you... crave plasma." Michael blinked and looked at her as if he had never seen her before."You what?""Like. You." Eve enunciated slowly, as if Michael might not know the words. "Idiot. I always have. What, you didn't know?" Eve sounded cool and grown-up about it, but Claire saw the hectic color in her cheeks, under the makeup. "How clueless are you? Does it come with the fangs?" "I guess I... I just thought... Hell. I just didn't think... You're kind of intimidating, you know." "I'm intimidating? Me? I run like a rabbit from trouble, mostly," Eve said."It's all show and makeup. You're the one who's intimidating. I mean, come on. All that talent, and you look... Well, you know how you look." " How do I look?" He sounded fascinated now, and he'd actually moved a little closer to Eve on the couch. She laughed. "Oh come on. You're a total model-babe." "You're kidding.""You don't think you are?"He shook his head. "Then you're kind of an idiot, Glass. Smart, but and idiot." Eve crossed her arms.“So? What exactly do you think about me, except that I’m intimidating?”“I think you’re…you’re…ah, interesting?” Michael was amazingly bad at this, Claire thought, but then he saved it by looking away and continuing. “I think you’re beautiful. And really, really strange.”Eve smiled and looked down, and that looked like a real blush, under the rice powder. “Thanks for that, “ she said, “I never thought you knew I existed, or if you did, that you thought I was anything but Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Well, to be fair, you are Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Hey!”“You can be bratty and beautiful,” Michael said. “I think it’s interesting.
Rachel Caine
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.
Julie Klassen
No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.
E.A. Bucchianeri
I've missed you, Sebastian.""Have you, love?" He unfastened the buttons of her robe, the light eyes glittering with heat as her skin was revealed. "What part did you miss the most?""Your mind," she said, and smiled at his expression."I was hoping for a far more depraved answer than that.""Your mind is depraved," she told him solemnly.He gave a husky laugh. "True.
Lisa Kleypas
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dave Barry
God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.
Darynda Jones
Sorry," she said. "I have a psychological disorder that prevents me from keeping thoughts inside my head where they belong.
Jeri Smith-Ready
In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
Darynda Jones
Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster
Stephen King
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson
Darynda Jones
Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
Ambrose Bierce
Not really hungry.""She’ll eat." Pritkin said curtly."I said —""If you starve to death it would damage my professional reputation.""I eat plenty.""The same does not apply should I strangle you in understandable irritation, however.""I’ll have a sandwich," I told Nick. "No meat.
Karen Chance
What’s next? The size of my cock?” “Hey, even pencils can get the job done—I’ve heard the moaning from your room to prove it.
J.R. Ward
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Woody Allen
Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.
Dorothy Parker
And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you.
Julia Quinn
Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.
Edith Wharton
But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness
John Green
See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.
Justin Halpern
We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good. Once, I lost my grip and found myself dangling by one hand from a ledge fifty feet above the rocky surf. But I found another handhold and kept climbing. A minute later Annabeth hit a slippery patch of moss and her foot slipped. Fortunately, she found something else to put it against. Unfortunately, that something was mt face."Sorry," she murmured."S'okay," I grunted, though I'd never really wanted to know what Annabeth's sneaker tasted like.
Rick Riordan
Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.”“Ian,” Bones drew out warningly.He grinned. “You’re right. I was aroused anyway.
Jeaniene Frost
Roger, he has a chain saw," I hissed. "I am not going to die in Kentucky!
Morgan Matson
A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.
Daniel Handler
Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun."..."He's the Akron AWOL?!
Neal Shusterman
Becky Renee Apple - can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with 'BRA'?
P.C. Cast