Quotes by American Authors - Page 146

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
The difficulty with humourists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't whichever seems likelier to win an effect.
John Updike
My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.
Hal Roach
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
If you talk to God you are praying if God talks to you you have schizophrenia.
Thomas Szasz
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Ogden Nash
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
When people ask me if I have any spare change I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
Nick Arnette
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Dave Barry
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
Fred Allen
My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Jay Leno
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
Edgar Howe
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Red Skelton
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
Brian Morgan
My health is good it's my age that's bad.
Roy Acuff
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Robert Orben
In humility imitate Jesus and Socrates.
Benjamin Franklin
After crosses and losses men grow humbler and wiser.
Benjamin Franklin
The age of chivalry has gone the age of humanity has come.
Charles Sumner
Humanity is the Son of God.
Theodore Parker
The world is my country all mankind are my brethren and to do good is my religion.
Thomas Paine
Every human heart is human.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Wen you see a man in woe Walk right up and say "hullo." Say "hullo" and "how d'ye do " "How's the world a-usin' you?"
Sam Walter Foss
Our concern is not how to worship in the catacombs but how to remain human in the skyscrapers.
Abraham J. Heschel
Science may have found a cure for most evils: but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings.
Helen Keller
I reckon there's as much human nature in some folks as there is in others if not more.
Edward Noyes Westcott
At bottom the world isn't a joke. We only joke about it to avoid an issue with someone to let someone know that we know he's there with his questions to disarm him by seeming to have heard and done justice to his side of the standing argument.
Robert Frost
A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labours of other men living and dead and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received.
Albert Einstein
It is always safe to assume that people are more subtle and less sensitive than they seem.
Eric Hoffer
Acquaintance n: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to.
Ambrose Bierce
Make yourself necessary to somebody.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.
Erich Fromm
A modest man is usually admired - if people ever hear of him.
Edgar Watson Howe
I was born modest not all over but in spots.
Mark Twain
Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation a mental or physical barter to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods.
W.H. Auden
When the man is at home his standing in society is well known and quietly taken but when he is abroad it is problematical and is dependent on the success of his manners.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The ultimate indignity is to be given a bedpan by a stranger who calls you by your first name.
Maggie Kuhn
The easiest kind of relationship for me is with 10 000 people. The hardest is with one.
Joan Baez
Outside among your fellows among strangers you must preserve appearances 100 things you cannot do but inside the terrible freedom!
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Modern dancers give a sinister portent about our times. The dancers don't even look at one another. They are just a lot of isolated individuals jiggling in a kind of self-hypnosis and dancing with others only to remind themselves that we are not completely alone in this world.
Agnes De Mille
It is in vain to hope to please all alike. Let a man stand with his face in what direction he will he must necessarily turn his back on one half of the world.
George Dennison Prentice
I wish everybody would go back into the closet.
Josefa Heifetz
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
Charity is injurious unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it.
John D. Rockefeller
For 't is always fair weather When good fellows get together With a stein on the table and a good song ringing clear.
Richard Hovey
Let me live in my house by the side of the road And be a friend to man.
Sam Walter Foss
Youth fades love droops the leaves of friendship fall A mother's secret hope outlives them all.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
I believe that you cannot go any further than you can think. I certainly believe if you don't desire a thing you will never get it.
Charleszetta Waddles
Man can only become what he is able to consciously imagine or to "image forth."
Dane Rudhyar
The engineering is secondary to the vision.
Cynthia Ozick
All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination.
Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
A daydreamer is prepared for most things.
Joyce Carol Oates
By going over your day in imagination before you begin it you can begin acting successfully at any moment.
Dorothea Brande
A feeble man can see the farms that are fenced and tilled the houses that are built. The strong man sees the possible houses and farms. His eye makes estates as fast as the sun breeds clouds.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
You can always trust information given you by people who are crazy they have an access to truth not available through regular channels.
Sheila Ballantyne
My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool it gives me all the world and exiles me from it.
Ursula K. LeGuin