Woody Allen Quotes - Page 2

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life
Woody Allen
The most expensive sex is free sex
Woody Allen
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Woody Allen
What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping.
Woody Allen
I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.
Woody Allen
I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.
Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen
There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.
Woody Allen
I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...
Woody Allen
There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.
Woody Allen
I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...
Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen
If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.
Woody Allen
It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
Woody Allen
I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.
Woody Allen
Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen
Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Woody Allen
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
Woody Allen
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Woody Allen
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Woody Allen
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Woody Allen
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Woody Allen
To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
Woody Allen
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!
Woody Allen
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
Woody Allen
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
Woody Allen