Woody Allen Quotes

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.
Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Woody Allen
I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.
Woody Allen
If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen
If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.
Woody Allen
If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.
Woody Allen
Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.
Woody Allen
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen
If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.
Woody Allen
Showing up is 80 percent of life.
Woody Allen
If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.
Woody Allen
If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.
Woody Allen
Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.
Woody Allen
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen
If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.
Woody Allen
Showing up is 80 percent of life.
Woody Allen
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
Ninety percent of living is just showing up.
Woody Allen
You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen
The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.
Woody Allen
If you're not failing you're not trying anything.
Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
Showing up is eighty percent of life.
Woody Allen
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
Woody Allen
I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.
Woody Allen
I'm not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers.
Woody Allen
I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.
Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.
Woody Allen
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.
Woody Allen
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
Woody Allen
bullshit french post-war rationalizing
Woody Allen
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen
Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
Woody Allen
We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...
Woody Allen
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,
Woody Allen
Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
Woody Allen
I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That's one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created by the great Shakespeare will, in millions of years, cease to exist—when the universe runs its course and the lights go out.
Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen
One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, at the time, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that. But then I thought, no, you know, maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot.[The gun fires accidentally, shattering a mirror] All of a sudden, the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. And suddenly neighbors were, were pounding on the door, and, and I don't know, the whole scene was just pandemonium. And, uh, you know, I-I-I ran to the door, I-I didn't know what to say. You know, I was-I was embarrassed and confused and my-my-my mind was r-r-racing a mile a minute. And I-I just knew one thing.I-I-I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and-and clear my head. And I remember very clearly, I walked the streets. I walked and I walked. I-I didn't know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and un-unreal to me. And I wandered for a long time on the Upper West Side, you know, and-and it must have been hours. You know, my-my feet hurt, my head was-was pounding, and-and I had to sit down. I went into a movie house. I-I didn't know what was playing or anything.I just, I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and, and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and, you know, the movie was a-a-a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and-and I always, uh, loved it. And, you know, I'm-I'm watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film, you know. And I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself. I mean isn't it so stupid? I mean, l-look at all the people up there on the screen. You know, they're real funny, and-and what if the worst is true.What if there's no God, and you only go around once and that's it. Well, you know, don't you want to be part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it's-it's not all a drag. And I'm thinkin' to myself, geez, I should stop ruining my life - searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after, who knows? I mean, you know, maybe there is something. Nobody really knows. I know, I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.
Woody Allen
I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.
Woody Allen
Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.
Woody Allen
One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.
Woody Allen