Steven Wright Quotes - Page 2

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Steven Wright

What's another word for thesaurus?

Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Steven Wright