Justin Halpern Quotes

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.
Justin Halpern
Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.
Justin Halpern
I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.
Justin Halpern
You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.
Justin Halpern
If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup
Justin Halpern
Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad
Justin Halpern
Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.
Justin Halpern
That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.
Justin Halpern
... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.
Justin Halpern
See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.
Justin Halpern
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
Justin Halpern
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
Justin Halpern