Joan Rivers Quotes

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
Joan Rivers
We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door I'll go through another door-or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Rivers
He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Joan Rivers
I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.
Joan Rivers
He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.
Joan Rivers
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.
Joan Rivers
I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.
Joan Rivers
Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.
Joan Rivers
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
Joan Rivers
I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.
Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present.
Joan Rivers
…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.
Joan Rivers
People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Joan Rivers
Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.
Joan Rivers
It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.
Joan Rivers
Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.
Joan Rivers
When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.
Joan Rivers
I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.
Joan Rivers
The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…
Joan Rivers
The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.
Joan Rivers
Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…
Joan Rivers
Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.
Joan Rivers
Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.
Joan Rivers
…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.
Joan Rivers
I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.
Joan Rivers