Groucho Marx Quotes

I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
Groucho Marx
No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx
Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
Groucho Marx
No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Groucho Marx
Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?
Groucho Marx
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Groucho Marx
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.
Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx
When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.
Groucho Marx
It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
Groucho Marx
The only real laughter comes from despair.
Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Groucho Marx
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
Groucho Marx
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Groucho Marx
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
Groucho Marx
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Groucho Marx
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Groucho Marx
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Groucho Marx
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Groucho Marx
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx
Room service? Send up a larger room."]
Groucho Marx
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Groucho Marx
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Groucho Marx
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Groucho Marx
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx