Elle Lothlorien Quotes

I grimace, thinking someone should come up with a new phrase for 'I left the ocean without a kiwi-sized chunk of my lower-left butt cheek' to replace the rather nebulous term 'exploratory bite.

Elle Lothlorien

I’m busy trying not to look like anything edible.

Elle Lothlorien

First, I’d like to point out that I didn’t use ‘one of mine.’ You refused to let me pay for my ice cream cone with a good ol’ fashioned credit card, and you forced your pretend money on me. Secondly, I can’t take any currency seriously that looks like it belongs in a psychedelic-inspired Special Edition Monopoly box.

Elle Lothlorien

Don’t make me Alice-nap you, Alice. Because you know I can carry you.

Elle Lothlorien

Basic economic theory. People behave differently based on how much they think something’s worth. Because everyone got their chips for free, people made huge bets on every hand—no matter what they were holding. People who play with everything on the line—for real—don’t act like that.

Elle Lothlorien

I use the word “man” loosely. A better description would be “the most beautiful specimen of Homo sapiens sapiens with a set of XY chromosomes to grace the planet Earth at this moment, or any other era, epoch, or age in history.

Elle Lothlorien

The line from Pulp Fiction—the one Samuel L. Jackson shouts at John Travolta as they’re trying to wash blood off their hands—pops into my head: 'I used the same soap you did and when I dried my hands, the towel didn't look like no fuckin’ maxi-pad!' I almost—almost—share this most quotable of cinematic quotes with him, when I remember it contains The Word. You know: 'maxi-pad.

Elle Lothlorien

When she reaches down to touch his shoulder—a gesture only a few species and a million or so years removed from lifting a leg and marking him as her territory with a stream of urine—enough bracelets and bangles to lay track across the Australian Outback slide down her arm and come to a jangling stop at her wrist.

Elle Lothlorien

Do you really think I’d let him call my sister a ‘bitch?’ Or you for that matter? Talon Hawk’s dumb, but he’s smarter than that…he’d be crawling around on his hands and knees picking his teeth off the tiles.

Elle Lothlorien

Like your sweet, affectionate house cat, Alice Dahl is easy to underestimate. It’s not until the songbirds in the yard show up eviscerated on the front porch that you realize you should’ve kept that bell collar on her—because those poor birds never even saw her coming.

Elle Lothlorien

I’m almost afraid to tell you. Let’s put it this way: clean toilets are the least of your problems in this country.

Elle Lothlorien

I’ve found that lifting the lid with your foot is the most thorough and least gross path to two minutes of peace of mind.

Elle Lothlorien

. I’ve watched about a dozen tourists almost get hit by cars since I’ve been here. I barely made it to the beach alive the other day. I mean, no one knows what they’re doing. They swing their heads back and forth like they’re mounted on a door hinge, but they don’t even know what they’re looking for, not really. Cars just come at you from all sorts of unnecessary directions here, and we’re all probably going to get killed.

Elle Lothlorien

Because trying to think of how to ask a woman you’ve known for exactly two days if she’d be willing to get into a car with you and take a road trip across the country was something I hadn’t quite worked up to yet.

Elle Lothlorien

I have a totally unhealthy and unrealistic fear of being eaten by a great white shark. This is because I belong to a very specific demographic called American Child Whose Parents Made the Ill-Advised Decision To Allow Her To Watch the Movie Jaws At a Sleepover During Her Formative Years.

Elle Lothlorien

You can pay for whatever you want, but I just want to warn you that I prefer to stay at places that don’t start or end with the word ‘motel.

Elle Lothlorien

Mouse likes to drag you to uninhabited areas with no cell signal—all those places perfect for dying of exposure.

Elle Lothlorien

Don’t take this the wrong way, but Australians have a LOT of bitches on their cashola.

Elle Lothlorien

I try not to laugh too loud, afraid a bark-like noise will be mistaken by any great whites lurking in the area as the distress call of a juvenile seal.

Elle Lothlorien

Locals. They’ll eventually get out. They’re annoyed. Like when Americans go to the lake. And it’s closed. ‘Cause some kid pooped in the water.

Elle Lothlorien

Yeah, well, when they say ‘You know it’s a long way, don’t you?’ what they really mean is: ‘You know it’d be faster if you just rode a kangaroo, don’t you?

Elle Lothlorien

...once I realized that Australia’s top highway speed of 110 kilometers per hour was the same as going 65 in the U.S., all my hardened American enthusiasm for speed went limp until it felt like the car was hardly moving at all. Even worse, most stretches of the highway are restricted to 60 kilometers per hour, which is how fast Americans go when we’re, like, passing a stopped school bus disembarking small children, or driving through a herd of puppies in the road.

Elle Lothlorien

Congratulations, Mousey, you’ve managed to insult every marsupial in the country in just under three kilometers.

Elle Lothlorien

I don’t know what this is for anyway. I mean, let me tell you what I’m never going to say to any human being, ever: ‘I had hunting season off-suit in the pocket, but I've had kicker trouble with that hand often enough to fold it.

Elle Lothlorien

Seriously, what is the purpose? Maybe I’d feel better about walking around speaking fluent jive if I knew there was a reason for it.

Elle Lothlorien

I like it because when people use a lot of poker lingo, it usually means they’ve been playing the game for a while. Which is why I immediately avoid those people.

Elle Lothlorien

So ‘fatal’ only kills you two out of three times these days? That’s good to know.

Elle Lothlorien

Australians are descended from a boatload of English convicts, right? So two hundred years in isolation at the bottom of the planet is plenty of time for the language to evolve into some sort of double-speak prison slang.

Elle Lothlorien

I’m good at being vague and unpredictable. It’s sort of a hard habit to break.

Elle Lothlorien

Oh, I have plenty of problems with Rabbit, it’s just that my comfort level with his name is standing in line behind about a hundred more important things.

Elle Lothlorien

I don’t think Australians ever use a couple of words when twenty will do just fine.

Elle Lothlorien

How do you tactfully spin the term “man-whore” to someone’s sister?

Elle Lothlorien

Now see, if it were me, I wouldn’t have led with that. I would’ve gone with something like ‘G’day’ or ‘Wow, aren’t you a little hottie?

Elle Lothlorien

Did you think your boyfriend was going to stick around and watch you do THAT? If we weren’t related, I would’ve left too. Actually…is it already too late for me to leave?

Elle Lothlorien

That’s the thing you girls never get. It doesn't matter if you just woke up, or just got done bawling, or just finished your make-up. When a guy’s all love-sick over a chick, she looks exactly the same to him all the time: perfect.

Elle Lothlorien

My butt has a maximum drive time of seven hours.

Elle Lothlorien

Follow me down, Alice Faye Dahl. I know the way.

Elle Lothlorien

Alice, winning means manipulation. It means taking people—people who may have helped you in the past, even people you care about—and using them without hesitation or regret. It means making decisions that would be viewed by any normal-thinking human being as cynical at best and dishonorable at worst

Elle Lothlorien

I believe the phrase you’re looking for is ‘too much money and not enough things to spend it on.

Elle Lothlorien

The question is: will I get used to a menu with kilojoules instead of calories? I mean, I don’t think anyone even knows how many kilojoules are in a calorie. I had to break out a whiteboard this morning and do calculus just to figure out how many calories were in a glass of water Down Under.

Elle Lothlorien

Hey, any idea why Australians speak something that sounds deceptively like English but isn’t? I mean, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t seem to converse with another human being who speaks the same language as I do.

Elle Lothlorien

Do you ever answer anything in a way that people expect you to?

Elle Lothlorien

I believe it went like this—and stop me if I’m wrong, Mousey: ‘Listen, we may not be our own continent and everything, but we have a big country over in America too.

Elle Lothlorien

So you went back to your friend’s next donkament two weeks later, and this time you just laughed right along when they gave you that framed picture of the poker hands. And when they called you ‘pigeon,’ ‘fish,’ and ‘muppet,’ you just smiled and batted your eyes and said stupid things like ‘Does a straight beat a crooked?’ And while everyone else was throwing a party, you just sat there acting like a tourist with your kill stack until you were in the money. Those poor dills…they didn’t know what hit ‘em, did they?

Elle Lothlorien

Alice, you might be the product of the biggest ball of ignorance, confidence, and good fortune the universe has ever manufactured. But if you’re thinking that you can take your results at the virtual tables and your grand tactic of Ignorance Is Bliss, and make that work for the Main Event, forget it—it WON'T.

Elle Lothlorien

Alice? You didn’t get this far without realizing that you don’t have to cheat to win. You just have to accept that people are easily manipulated.

Elle Lothlorien

Once the principals in their party are seated, with those lower on the totem pole left to grumble and move on to find another table, our once-cozy booth transforms into a damp fusion of vacuous wretchedness, with the three women all complaining alternately about their wet hair/clothes and their respective distance from Talon, while the man himself is trying to maneuver his Paul Bunyan frame way too close to me.

Elle Lothlorien

No thanks…Dodo, was it? I don’t know if I can watch you have performance problems twice in ten days.

Elle Lothlorien

Suddenly, the giant, three-headed dog that guards the entrance to the Underworld appears next to her—sans two of its heads—and sits down. As a child, we had a neighbor with a Great Dane, and I know they’re about three feet tall at the shoulder. Allow another twelve inches for their T-Rex-sized heads, and you’ve got a dog that this woman could throw a saddle on and ride like a pony.

Elle Lothlorien

For the first time, there’s no barrier between us and we make eye contact. All of a sudden, I feel like the character in Raiders of the Lost Ark—the one who watches in horror as the wispy, beautiful angels floating from the Ark of the Covenant morph into howling, homicidal demons. You know, right before he melts like a cheap candle.

Elle Lothlorien

I’ll get you and your little dog too?’ You say your girl can’t pay me back? Believe me when I say that that little gift’s just gonna keep right on giving.

Elle Lothlorien

Alice, it took big, dumb Talon Dodo thirty seconds to get you so pissed about a poker hand pun that you were about to beat him to death with your cane.

Elle Lothlorien

The car doesn’t so much drive as float above the road, like we’re making our way to Sydney in a hovercraft.

Elle Lothlorien

When some smart ass asks you if you’re driving, you say, 'Nope, just kicking the tires.’ You have to make sure you actually kick them all on your way around to the passenger side. Otherwise it’s like lying.

Elle Lothlorien

If one more person tells me how big this country is, I’m going to go kick a koala.

Elle Lothlorien

How was I supposed to know ‘lucked out’ means ‘I got screwed over’ in Australian?

Elle Lothlorien

You’re in the country of the kangaroo and the duck-billed platypus, and you’re asking ‘why is it a mushroom? Because it just IS.

Elle Lothlorien

I’m not sure a real man would smoke something that sounds like a mixed drink ice cream cone.

Elle Lothlorien

Well then, I guess I’m man enough to admit that I’m trying to get in touch with my inner bitch.

Elle Lothlorien

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