Craig Ferguson Quotes

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
Craig Ferguson
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
Craig Ferguson
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
Craig Ferguson
It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
Craig Ferguson
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
Craig Ferguson
Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.
Craig Ferguson
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Craig Ferguson
America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent....We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.
Craig Ferguson
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
Craig Ferguson
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
Craig Ferguson
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
Craig Ferguson
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
Craig Ferguson
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
Craig Ferguson
Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good.
Craig Ferguson
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Craig Ferguson
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
Craig Ferguson
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
Craig Ferguson
The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed
Craig Ferguson
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Craig Ferguson
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
Craig Ferguson
I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. "Listen," she said, not unkindly, "up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?"I nodded."Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!"I took the drugs.
Craig Ferguson
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
Craig Ferguson
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Craig Ferguson
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
Craig Ferguson
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
Craig Ferguson
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
Craig Ferguson
114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.
Craig Ferguson
I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
Craig Ferguson
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Craig Ferguson
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
Craig Ferguson
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
Craig Ferguson
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
Craig Ferguson
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
Craig Ferguson
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
Craig Ferguson
I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
Craig Ferguson
I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
Craig Ferguson
Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?
Craig Ferguson
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
Craig Ferguson
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
Craig Ferguson
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.
Craig Ferguson
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Craig Ferguson
Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know
Craig Ferguson
Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.
Craig Ferguson
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
Craig Ferguson
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
Craig Ferguson
If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.
Craig Ferguson
It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.
Craig Ferguson
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
Craig Ferguson
By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!
Craig Ferguson
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Craig Ferguson
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
Craig Ferguson
Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
Craig Ferguson
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
Craig Ferguson
Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.
Craig Ferguson
On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
Craig Ferguson
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
Craig Ferguson
I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.
Craig Ferguson
Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."Cause the night's not nearly through.Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.Let your worries wait another day.And if you stay too late at the bar,At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"Its OkYou can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday. Life's too short to worry about the things that you can live withoutAnd I regret to say, the morning light is hours away.The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight.What's the point of going to bed?You look so lovely when your eyes are red.Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Craig Ferguson
Oh Satan you're a wily one.
Craig Ferguson
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
Craig Ferguson