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Describing our romantic longings in ‘Life preserves,’ therapist Harriet Lerner shares that most people want a partner ‘who is mature and intelligent, loyal and trustworthy, loving and attentive, sensitive and open, kind and nurturant, competent and responsible.’ No matter the intensity of this desire, she concludes: ‘Few of us evaluate a prospective partner with the same objectivity and clarity that we might use to select a household appliance or a car.’ To be capable of critically evaluating a partner we would need to be able to stand back and look critically at ourselves, at our needs, desires, and longings….. We fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal that there is no one for us to love. Most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking then no partner at all. What becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.
