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Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

Jenny Lawson

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

Jenny Lawson
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Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.
Jenny Lawson
Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.
Jenny Lawson
I've found, though, that people are more likely to share their personal experiences if you go first, so that's why I always keep an eleven-point list of what went wrong in my childhood to share with them. Also I usually crack open a bottle of tequila to share with them, because alcohol makes me less nervous, and also because I'm from the South, and in Texas we offer drinks to strangers even when we're waiting in line at the liquor store. In Texas we call that '_southern hospitality_.' The people who own the liquor store call it 'shoplifting.' Probably because they're Yankees.I'm not allowed to go back to that liquor store.
Jenny Lawson
It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.
Jenny Lawson
Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, "Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!
Jenny Lawson
That night I looked up at those same stars, but I didn't want any of those things. I didn't want Egypt, or France, or far-flung destinations. I just wanted to go back to my life from my childhood, just to visit it, and touch it, and to convince myself that yes, it had been real.
Jenny Lawson
We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.
Jenny Lawson
It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.
Jenny Lawson
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